hush, child… you blaspheme!


metrosexual i am not – no ashton kutcher, i. neither am i that roguish yet sartorially elegant james bond type. hell i’m not even the sophisticool p. diddy variety. and this is a reality that i’m totally comfortable with. i’m your run of the mill average joe. ok, since this is desiland, make that average jamshed. only jamshed isn’t that average a name. every jamshed i’ve ever come across is the arty farty type. but i digress…

while hurriedly selecting deodorants in the jampacked shopping market that is naheed, i was accosted by this wierdo who out of the blue asked me what moisturizer i use. now this was definitely a first. i mean i’ve been asked what computer i use, what coolant i use for my car’s radiator, even, by an obviously myopic person, who my tailor is, but never what skin care products i use. and that is to be expected when you wander around looking like idi amin in levis. so the query came as a bit of a shock.

x-e-i: uh… none.

wierdo: none??!!!

the guy gave me a look of such pained incredulity that for a moment i was sure he was hemorrhaging. “you must use some kind of cream” he insisted. i thought for a moment or two before i said, “uh yeah sure. shaving gel”. it was at this point that the guy started to make his pitch about how the whole stack of loreal or nutrogena or whatever brand of products he was selling would solve all my cosmetic needs. and boy, did he have a truckload. anti dullness face wash, anti irritation aftershave with sunscreen, separate moisturizers for anti aging, anti oiling, antil dark circles, anti lining, anti every freaking thing you can think of and several that you can’t. even something called exfoliator which seems to be a cross between insecticide and terminator 2. i bet he would have come up with one of those yucky purple stinking mud masks if i had only asked him. i conjured up a medical condition called sceptic eczematic psoriasis and moved away before he had time to recover.

a couple of hours later i ran into a freind at the barber shop and was telling him this incredible tale as the barber trimmed my sideburns when i heard him tell his guy that he wanted a facial and a french manicure. a french manicure! i nearly choked on my chewing gum.

what is the world coming to?Β  i’m only 25 and yet i feel a distinct sense of being the “old man” among a bunch of kids.

on the plus side, i realise i can now look like an uncouthΒ caveman without cultivating a week old itching stubble. me tarzan, you jane…


33 Responses to “hush, child… you blaspheme!”

  1. Assalaamu’alaykum

    Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh…lol. And as always, delivered with great style…masha’Allah. πŸ™‚

  2. metrosexual i am not – no ashton kutcher, i. neither am i that roguish yet sartorially elegant james bond type. hell i’m not even the sophisticool p. diddy variety
    on the road to self-actualization or bulleh shah wannabe?

  3. @ farzeen: walaikum as salam and jazakAllah. πŸ™‚

    @ hemlock: na mein aatish na mein pon… πŸ˜€

  4. 4 cyma

    ooooooooooooooh it was a lovely read! Infact finishd off too soon! Whenz ure book comin yaar ure mashAllah so gud!

    Waise i think i saw a couple of open pores on my non-porous suposedly-great never-cared-much-for skin in the morning… brought a bit of mid-life crises to me i tell you.

  5. 5 PsycheD

    πŸ˜€ been down since yesterady – reading this – i managed my first smile….see! this is the kind of articles am looking for. so keep this for future ref ok.

    hmm…so u look like idi amin? that too at 25? *gaaasp* – not i dont have the same haemorrageing expression as wierdo there…just being dramatic πŸ˜›

    so u listed many anti – thingis there – which means u were paying attention – that he did get to ur psyche if not ur skin…ok…i shut up now

    n guess what! for the future issue – i already ahve an article ready that has all the metro – uber – whatever – sexual kinds of men are out there with their manly facials and mani/pedicures πŸ™‚

  6. 6 PsycheD

    yep dude! that’s what this world is coming to!

    gawwd! have u seen them with those ‘man’ bags????? branded mind u!

  7. 7 PsycheD

    n no exaggeration…..they have better glowing skin than i do!! or any female i knwo of! seriously !!

    what is wrong with me?? i shud now go to someone else’s blog and mess up their comments pages:P

  8. @ cyma: you’ll be the first to know πŸ™‚

    @ psyched: i actually have one of those “man bags” myself. calvin klein. it lies deep in my cupboard somewhere, hidden from the eyes of anyone who might see and call out “hey! abbas baji has brought his purse!”

  9. 9 PsycheD

    lemme see ! lemme seeeee! does it have those stylish buckles? πŸ˜›

  10. over my dead body… πŸ˜›

  11. 11 SK

    Xil: You should have taken the ‘anti-irritation’ cream and asked him..”And you promise this anti irritation thing works? You promise this will make you go away?” Though bet you, he wouldn’t get it! :p And Psyched is right. Somehow on the ‘dreariest day’ your blog somehow does bring a smile on my face. πŸ™‚
    Psyched: Exactly! What is this world coming to?! UFF!

  12. real knack for the funny

  13. shehla and sabahat: i assume those were compliments πŸ™‚

  14. 14 SK

    Don’t know….how did you plan on taking them? πŸ˜‰
    Yeah they were compliments !! πŸ™‚

  15. 15 hemlock

    this whole discussion on ubbersexuality is getting ubber ubberboring.
    can we have an update? or perhaps a debate that is more to my liking?! πŸ˜€

  16. 16 hemlock

    “bunder road se KHUAARI
    dekho chali re ghora gaari…”

    i tell u, your takhallus is DESTINED to be KHUAAR / khuaar karachvi.
    *whistles; la la la la la la la la…. bunder road se*

    lemme know when you guys need some water πŸ˜‰ (since your sea is apparently of no good use to you.

  17. LOL.
    This freind at school was complaining about how her boyfreind has gotten his hair straightened, she is breaking up with him

  18. 18 SK

    Hemlock: LOL!
    Shiza: Hair starightened? Guy?! UFF! But what about the stuff under that hair (err.guys…that would be a ‘brain’!)? Did he get that straightened?! πŸ˜‰

  19. @ the 350 pound reader: punjaban aaja na footpath par… πŸ˜›

    @ shiza and shehla: i’m not sure who i feel more sorry for, the dumper or the dumpee.

  20. 20 PsycheD

    luv the punjaban touch there πŸ™‚
    lol @ since your sea is apparently of no good use to you.

    @ shiza u talking ironing hair straight? or rebonding?? coz i was shocked when i saw this kid (he must have been 17-20 yrs) having his locks rebinded!

    umm..anyone know any guy who get their chests waxed? lol lol

  21. 21 SK

    Psyched with how things are going…you never know! Yukh! πŸ™‚

  22. khuaar… tum baaz aa jao, nai to i will put up as a post the whole lhr/khi conversation we had, jis main you were skewered! πŸ™‚
    im trying to spare you….
    SK, thanks πŸ˜€ you agree w/ me about his takhallus right?
    psyched: he was going on and on and on about how karachi rocks because it has a polluted sea that gives you all kinds of diseases….
    and he still wants punjabi to open water πŸ˜‰

  23. @ the senior citizen: you wish fatty, you wish. πŸ˜›

  24. see, THIS is what i’m talking about.

    your mate wanted a french freakin manicure. you know if i ever came to paki, we’d have to meet. not sure how i’d arrange that but you have to show me these places and these people!

    NOT the pakistan i left behind. 😐

  25. oh i could show you things maryam πŸ˜‰ … you’ll wish you never came back!

    but why?!

  27. umm?

  28. nerdboy

  29. fatoldwoman

  30. The guy was telling u about shaving gel, the gal downstair was trying to interest us two “bajis” into Dawn Kae allo walae parathaey…..
    Hey if u feel old at 25, try imagining wot i feel at 30 and no i dont have 55 yrs more to find lurveeee. i ll get to be a budhi cow and paki guys only exhibit interest in the 16 yr old bachis.

  31. hey don’t worry i’m not dying to go back there. but i think friday nights would be a whole lot more fun back there with friends than here. there’s not much to do here, unless you enjoy getting pissed.

  32. 32 s

    aww, don’t be such a hater! facials are gooooood! although a french manicure is definitely taking it a bit far!

    i actually kinda like men that take care of themselves and make at least half as much effort as us women do. and every guy i know (including my husband, uncles and dad) that’s gone for a normal pedicure or manicure have come out feeling extremely pampered and nice (but then again, they do have much better male spas in dubai than in khi). i mean, come on, women put in so much effort to look good, it’s nice to have that reciprocated and see men with nice, clean feet and hands or decent skin.

    that said, hair straightening or highlighting or men with any traces of make-up or ones that take more care of themselves, or buy more products or take longer to get ready than the average woman freak me out.

  33. @ tanzilla: aray chill yaar. i’m a paki guy too by the way πŸ™‚ and i dont start noticing ’em till they’re at least 22.

    @ maryam: friday nights, friends and karachi are a helluva combination… πŸ™‚

    @ sarah: and to think i thought i was getting too dandified because i sometimes use shower gel…

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