of gujranwala and other stories

24Aug07

it is indeed ironic that after all this time without being able to blog, when i do come online i choose to write about gujranwala. what is more ironic is that neither the chiras nor the batairs could do to me what their mountain dew did two days later. mild food poisoning. at least i choose to blame the mountain dew because when i do commence my war against kfc i won’t be accusing them of anything less than genocide. but i digress.

in gujranwala there is a shop which goes by the name of rana da kabarkhana, which would not make it sufficiently noticeable in itself, except for the fact that above the rather rustic shop sign is a ludicrously large billboard of  zainab qayyum modeling for the mobilink indigo package – which is also not that weird except when you consider the fact that the local franchiser calls his setup a “mobilink frunchies”, but that’s another story. the weirdest thing is that zq somehow manages to look sexier on that billboard in that town of big broad women and narrow dilapidated roads than she does on any similar billboard in any town of pakistan. and yes, before you ask, like great white sharks, the female of the gujranwala-ite species is always larger than the male. blame it on the four litres of yoghurt and milk they manage to consume every night.

there is also in gujranwala, a guy who goes by the name of chaudhry something or the other who happens to be an institute of languages in himself. he speaks all the languages spoken in pakiland from punjabi to err.. well, punjabi. what’s unique about the guy is that he somehow manages to respond in punjabi to any language you speak to him in, even imitation german accents – which by the way, are a lexicological genre in themselves. weird combinations of disjointed personalities combine to manifest themselves in your average gujranwala resident. which just goes to say that the only common trait is an unpredictable surprise. like the sukhwinder singh fan who knows all of megadeath’s lyrics by heart. or the globetrotting ex-parlimentarian salesman who thinks eating is a waste of time.

irony, thy name is gujranwala. but yes, i would pay good money to have women look sexier and if they can do it in gujranwala, then to gujranwala we will go. for all those of you ladies who are not as photogenic as my beloved iman ali, you may display your hideousest pictures in gujranwala without fear for there you will shine out like beacons of beauty on the dusty stretch that is gt road. princes will come from distant lands on white horses and flying carpets and reconditioned toyota vitzes to woo you and there will be peace and happiness for a million years. also the presence of a few idiotic girls might help to revive the ailing sports entertainment industry that is gujranwala’s wrestling scene. besides, it isn’t like anything else is working for you is there?

coming soon: gt road tay adeetraan da safar (angraizi, rangeen)

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for those of you who always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask, my eyes are dark brown, almost black.

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and sparrows taste like coal. there’s something unnervingly inhumane about butchering that small a bird anyway. give me roasted partridge any day.

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and it is a tragic day in the history of my country. the once bald brothers are now free to come back. may they get lost on the way and end up penniless in the swamps of brazil. amen.

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19 Responses to “of gujranwala and other stories”

  1. 1 skzworldofdreams

    ‘for all those of you ladies who are not as photogenic as my beloved iman ali,’ and the rest of the blah, blah ahead.. 😛 …hmmm…SOME of ‘those’ are MORE photogenic than your ‘Iman ali with a zit’ girl. 😀 How sad…you’ll never know exactly HOW photogenic.. 😉
    ‘recondition toyota vitzes to woo you’…:S tsk, tsk..So THAT’S your idea of woo-ing? Err…see Xil, SOME men have taste…they woo in their BMW’s, surprising the girl with red roses, a walk on the beach, etc. etc. Aur bataaoon?? 😀 Most importantly though…here you go…I’m giving you the secret..pay attention…THEY’RE AROUND TO WOO THE GIRL AND DON’T DISAPPEAR ALL THE TIME!! 😀 😛

  2. 2 skzworldofdreams

    oh and ROFL at the rest of the post…good one..very nicely written.. and if I know you at all, you will ignore the rest of my LONG comment up there and just reply to this one, right? Argghhh!! 😛

  3. 3 skzworldofdreams

    ANNNDD we’re back to square 1…phir ghayab…why do I even bother..

  4. 4 skzworldofdreams

    ‘for those of you who always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask, my eyes are dark brown, almost black’…err…yaay!?? :S

  5. OMG! wah g! maza agaya–tum phir se hibernation mein chlay jao abbas cos hibernation brings a really great post for us–lols!
    and i think that you just saw the ladies in gujranwala–try visiting sialkot,sahiwal, D.G khan etc and then let me know what is your view on the Beauties of Gujranwala then 😀 lols!! no offence plz!
    doosra ye k i was wondering the other day, why for heaven’s sake, has the N sharif gone more whiter, more pur-noor? and now i got my answer, his sins got washed in the sacred waters of our AEEIN (constitution ) 😛

  6. amen to that brother!

    lolzz @ the gujrawala women 😀 i have some candidates i’d like to send there myself waise :p

  7. 7 skzworldofdreams

    He vapourized again. 😀 He shoulda been in Fantastic Four, I tell ya. 😛

  8. 8 skzworldofdreams

    *tick-tock*

  9. and who wanted to know the color of your eyes? it’s not like they work or anything :p
    button jis marzi rang ke laga lo 😀

  10. 10 skzworldofdreams

    Hem!! You’re alive!! 😀 And where were you?? hmph.. 😀
    *As Xil doesn’t really come to his blogworld, SK thought she’d strike up a conversation with others over here! 😛 *

  11. 11 skzworldofdreams

    As Is aid Xil….tick tock, tick tock… 😀

  12. lol. yes. i made it alive out of my mom&sister’s visit.
    miracles shall never cease 😛

  13. 14 skzworldofdreams

    Hem: 😀
    Sugs: Hain? Gotta check this out…ohhhh when will this fundraiser end?!! 😦

  14. I think ure next non-gujranwala post should be about pornographic adz on orkut and facebook… I want to bitch.. ahem… POST about that! 😛

  15. the iceman was here!

  16. 17 skzworldofdreams

    Now you see him, now you don’t!! 😛 Boo!! 😀

  17. 18 skzworldofdreams

    YOu vaporized ice, you! 😀

  18. 19 PsycheD

    ahahahahahahahaa…..thoroughly enjoyed reading…..particularly the iman wala para – and no irony in it i tel ya! 😛

    ewwwwww..u ate sparrows??????????? double eeewwwwwwwww!

    u dint post anything on lhr! but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!???


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