three words make a difference and faisalabad-ese


kipling had it wrong. keeping your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you has got nothing to do with being a man. its about being able to pay your bills. imagine yourself in a situation where you’ve managed to generate a bill of rs 27,379 for yourΒ room service over a period of eight days – can i help it if i love good food? – and you have a lousy eleven grand in your wallet and no credit cards whatsoever. what do you say? what do you do? and by that i mean a solution which doesn’t involve either getting thrashed by a bunch of bellboys or running to bankruptcy court. will it make a difference if you’re a man or a woman? or even a noman? (i know this is off topic but when i was a kid in kuwait, the local tv channel dubbed sesame street in arabic and elmo was noman. if you find that funny, ernie and bert were anees and badar). like hell it will. at times like these you are forced to utter the most beautiful three word sequence in the english language, “bill to company”. btc.

pan fried chicken fillet rubbed in cracked black pepper with cream sauce, grilled onions and sauteed vegetables – rs. 850. fresh orange juice – rs. 120. cold coffee with chocolate ice cream – rs. 235. watching the huffy-puffy waiter drop the empty plates in the corridor on his way out – priceless. there are some things money can’t buy. everything else can be billed to company.

excuse me… what?

i just got sued by mastercard.

there is a certain innocence in the way a denizen of faislabad is likely to spell a word precisely the way he pronounces it. there is after all, a very sane logic behind it. i mean when you spell words in urdu exactly the way you say them, why not apply the same rules to english? its not our mother tongue and in true paki style, other peoples’ mothers don’t count.

so if someone spells television as “televeeun” or blackcurrant as “blaccrunt”, why should we be surprised? so what if that doesn’t “maiyyur” – sorry, measure – up to international standards? of course this is a sweeping generalisation and there are obviously some people in good old lyallpur, manchester of the east, who do occasionally use the spellcheck on their word processors. like the following guy for instance.

but when you consider that this a menu card and not a brochure from our version of ikea you wonder.


for your information, the gujjars were a mountain people in ancient times who used to depend entirely on their goats and things for a living. they were displaced by the mongols, specifically genghis khan and hulaqu khan and pushed downhill. today the gujjars account for a significant part of the population of punjab. the towns of gojra, gujranwala, gujrat and gujjar khan are all derived from the word gujjar. what is most interesting, however, is that if you use “gujjar” in the name for a movie, it is a guaranteed box office hit (graduate gujjar, buddha gujjar, eik gujjar sau badmaash, etc). which is why my pakistani adaptation of gone with the wind is going to be called gone with the gujjar. just thought you’d like to know.


92 Responses to “three words make a difference and faisalabad-ese”

  1. ROFLOL! you man, are INSANE! gone with the gujjar? you’ve made margarat mitchell turn in her grave.

    hypothetically speaking, if gone with the gujjar WAS to be made, would the cast be iman as scarlet o hara and shafqat cheema as rhett butler??? (just wondering… or would sheikh rasheed ahmed do the honours?)
    “teri maa di… minu koi faraq nai painda, kurye! maulay nu Maula na maray, te maula nai marda”
    a-sheeaan! sheeaan! sheeaan![punjabi gunshots in the background]
    [original text: “frankly my dear, i dont give a damn”].

    p.s thanks for falling in love with my punjab πŸ™‚

  2. were u impressed by em so much that you went and looked up their history?

  3. @ hemlock: how dare you assoicate iman with shafqat? it will be your favourite reema aunty with a relaunched mustafa qureshi. think about it..

    chuk ke mainu buddha gujjar lay gaya….
    dhin chuk dhin chuk dhin chuk
    naal meray peo da kala khachchar lay gaya
    dhin chuk dhin chuk dhin chuk

    sajjad gul who?

    @ shehzad: nah. justa very talkative driver… πŸ™‚

  4. iman and shafqat cheema
    sitting in a tree…
    kay eye ess ess
    eye en jee

  5. you have sick fantasies, hemlock. sick fantasies.

  6. would you rather i imagined YOU k-i-s-s-i-n-g shafqat cheema?

    xille and shafqat cheema
    sitting in a tree…
    kay eye ess ess
    eye en jee…


  7. “xille [iman, hemlock] and shafqat cheema
    sitting in a tree…
    kay eye ess ess
    eye en jee…”

    i inserted the stuff you forgot. xille kissing iman…. ahh heaven. cheema kissing hemlock… too regular a feature to excite comment.


  8. though when you come to think of it, with you in the tree, the branch would break and you’d probably land on shafqat cheema thereby killing him in a way he has yet to be killed on screen by. life is so much more fun than the movies.

  9. roflol. i think iman just died a thousand and three deaths on hearing what you wrote. she’ll have you know she loves shafqat cheema who is her hero and never in her power will she let anyone else kiss him.
    even me.

    Q: how do you get an elephant on a tree?
    A: sit him on an acorn and wait 50 years.

    Q: why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
    A: because it was dead.

    Q: why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
    A: because he was tied to the first elephant.

    Q: why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
    A: because he thought it was a game.

    Q: why did the tree fall down?
    A: because it thought it was an elephant.

  10. ok so which of the three was you?

  11. the tree.

  12. Sorry for the offtopic, but I just wanted to share a blog post with you by an American on a Pakistani blog.

    The address is:

    Yes Its the same old shameless promotion, but with a cause.


  13. the funny thing about this guy is that he makes such an effort to come promote his work on a blog that hardly anyone visits….

    and hemlock, at least you admit you’re over fifty. πŸ˜›

  14. hilarious as ever. u have a rare gift for humour.

  15. yes but i is no give him gift because is not humour’s birthday…

  16. ROFL!!! Just reading the comments is so much fun in itself!!!
    Hem: ROFL @your script!! πŸ˜€ Tha would de. hit the Paki box office big time! πŸ˜€
    Xil: ‘keeping your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you has got nothing to do with being a man.’ I totally agree…it has nothing to do with being a man. I is living this 😦 And I so is not a man!! I be too Imanesque for that! πŸ˜›
    Wonderfully written post, fraind. LOL @ the mastercard thingy and Sesame Street. Really? They did that? Funny…not in Dubai. There they aired the original version of SS. You backward people! πŸ˜› πŸ˜€
    Pakistani Cushions… err.. :S ??? They talking about you??hahahaha. Sorry, sorry…couldn’t resist. πŸ˜€
    Your Paki adaptation of gone with the Wind?? Aren’t you living ‘Gone with the wind’?? πŸ˜€

  17. you and imanesque… ****dies laughing***

    you are delusional, woman. quit using those LSDs. πŸ˜› πŸ™‚

  18. 18 skzworldofdreams

    Mein aur meri Imanes-quism πŸ˜€
    Aksar ye baatein karti hain
    Xil hota to kesa hota
    Xil yahan se ghayab hota, phir wahan se ghayab hota… πŸ˜€

    So you admit it…me and imanesque…indeed!! πŸ˜›

  19. oh for christ’s sake, be ORIGINAL!!!! πŸ˜› πŸ˜€

  20. 20 skzworldofdreams

    :S As I said…Gone with the wind…

  21. blind as a bat, i swear.

  22. 22 skzworldofdreams

    Haven’t you heard? Being original is too old fashioned.. it’s the age of ‘committing big time Plagiarism’. πŸ˜€

  23. 23 skzworldofdreams

    Buri baat…don’t put yourself down..I’m sure you’re not THAT blind. πŸ˜‰

  24. just what i’d expect from you. tsk tsk. itni baree ho ker be cheating ki himayat. bara afsos hua πŸ˜›

  25. yeah just blind enough to not realise you are about as pretty as a hippopotamus πŸ˜›

  26. 26 skzworldofdreams

    Xil…stop ‘talking in riddles’. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜›

  27. 27 skzworldofdreams

    O_O You think hippos are pretty??!!! Oh well, to each his own…tsk tsk…bara afsos hua. πŸ˜›

  28. lol. thank god rani darling hasn’t been polluting my blog. πŸ™‚ what i wouldn’t give to see someone slap her…

  29. my grandmother was so right. sarcasm is wasted on the dumb. πŸ˜›

  30. 30 skzworldofdreams

    With her attitude, I’d be surprised if someone hasn’t already slapped her!! That’s one frustrated girl! πŸ™‚

  31. had ho gaee, idhar bhi “frustrated girl” talaash ker li. astaghfirullah… πŸ˜›

  32. 32 skzworldofdreams

    Err…and she was talking to you right?? Aah! So she knew you well. Hahahaha!! There you go pulling yourself down again.. πŸ˜€ So how does that foot taste? πŸ˜‰

  33. just because ure into deviancy doesn’t mean i have a foot fetish. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜›

  34. 34 skzworldofdreams

    lol!! Sharam karo…dimagh ghum phir kar wahin jaata hai!! Astaghfurullah (isko aese spell karte hain!! πŸ˜› )

  35. maira ya aap ka? πŸ™‚

  36. 36 skzworldofdreams

    No…but you just had your foot in your mouth with the grandma comment. πŸ˜€

  37. 37 skzworldofdreams

    Aap ka. πŸ™‚ Obviously…’moron’. πŸ˜›

  38. yeah sure, bibi. sure. πŸ˜›

  39. 39 skzworldofdreams

    Chalo admit to kiya. πŸ˜›

  40. 40 skzworldofdreams

    ANNNNDD I should go now, coz I have to go to work tom. at my daughter’s school…weekend volunteering..woopee!! NOT!! πŸ˜›
    The UP is enjoying himself in Washington, new wife, new life (I was a born poet πŸ˜› ) and I have to work 6 days a week for my baby’s future…so what’s wrong with this picture, again? πŸ™‚

  41. 41 skzworldofdreams

    C ya later Xil…well not really! πŸ˜› On blogworld. πŸ™‚ Good night. πŸ™‚

  42. nothing. you have the angel and you’re free. thank god and live your life. πŸ™‚

  43. good night to you too bibi.

  44. 44 skzworldofdreams

    πŸ™‚ I do thank god Xil…for her…everyday. πŸ™‚ Thank you. πŸ™‚

  45. 45 skzworldofdreams

    Err…that last thank you was for you…not God…and no I don’t think you’re a god. πŸ˜› You’re not even an ‘original’!! πŸ˜€ O.k. bye. πŸ™‚

  46. whatever πŸ™‚

  47. 47 skzworldofdreams

    Hain? Le!! Ek to Paki auditors ko English sikhani parti hai.. Xil ‘thank you’ ka jawab ‘you’re welcome’ hota hai. πŸ˜€ πŸ™‚

  48. i just shook hands with a doood who owns an aston martin.
    that was FYI.

  49. 49 skzworldofdreams

    Axcyouz mee?? :S πŸ˜€ FYI? For your inlaws?? Butt vy?? πŸ˜›

  50. 50 skzworldofdreams

    Oye Xil! Your guests on ‘whys, wherefores and exhaled breaths’ are back. πŸ˜€ This time I’m not even bothering to read the comment. πŸ˜› Astaghfurullah!! Aaj kal ke naujawan!! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜›

  51. 51 skzworldofdreams

    Three words make a difference…XIL COME BACK. πŸ˜€

  52. big deal hemlock. i’ve had sveral aston martins in my life. that they were all less than six inches long is irrelevant.

  53. blaccrunt heheh…unreal…

  54. LoL Funny read. Happened along this blog from a friend’s blog and I liked it. I will add you to my blogroll if you don’t mind :D.

    Keep on writing those gems. πŸ˜€

  55. @ umar: not if you go to an icecream parlour… πŸ˜‰

    @ reza: sure dude. πŸ™‚ why would i mind? it’s not like i’m being linked on a porno site πŸ˜€

  56. 56 skzworldofdreams

    See!! 3 words DID make a difference. *And the audience applauses SK’s wisdom!!*
    Xil, in the words of a great writer I know…”So, update already!” Though I think he said more than that, but then that’s the difference between a ‘fake’ and an ‘original’ for you. πŸ˜‰
    ROFL!! ‘it’s not like i’m being linked on a porno site’ hahahaha!! You sure about that? Err….the other thing???… πŸ˜€

  57. achcha na… i’ll update soon.

  58. 58 skzworldofdreams

    Nyah na…you lose…I updated first! πŸ˜€

  59. 59 skzworldofdreams

    O_O Aaannndd…??????????
    As I told suga, you should try the ‘rate your blog’ thing too. Bte your rating will be MNV/MNT – Mostly Not Visible/Mostly Not There!

  60. 60 skzworldofdreams

    O_O Aaannndd…??????????
    As I told suga, you should try the ‘rate your blog’ thing too. Bet your rating will be MNV/MNT – Mostly Not Visible/Mostly Not There!

  61. 61 skzworldofdreams

    Hain?? Why twice?? God’s trying to tell you something, Xil. πŸ˜€

  62. i think he wants the 100 comments once again.
    xille yer such a baby πŸ˜‰

  63. Bhutto was here. πŸ˜‰

  64. (was thinkin i had no comments this time, I was going to pass by, but couldn’t resist)

    Lollywood fact file :
    *Did u know Ajab gul looks so much like Tom Cruise its corny?

    So how about u make him the gujjar in ure version of Gone with the G-guy.
    Ofcourse hez pathaan which is no way CLOSE to being gujjar but cmon, its Lollywood, u’ll get away with ANYTHING lame.

  65. For more info regarding Ajab Gul’s celeb look alikeness

  66. sorry i do not have permission to view this note. πŸ™‚

  67. 68 skzworldofdreams

    Xil, why is Cyma sending you links for Ajab Gul’s look alikes??!! O_O And you were blaming the californians..Astaghfurullah!! tsk tsk… πŸ˜›

  68. lol @ skz
    damn babe! U got a cool sense of humor! πŸ˜›

    Couldnt leave u without it.
    herez another link

    PS. i wont tell neone anything. πŸ˜‰

  69. you can tell them the story of how aaminah haq fell madly in love with me back when we were in college cyma. πŸ˜‰ i won’t mind…

    by the way, is whatshername, the chick whose womens guard badge i used to steal when you were having your ncc thing, still alive? somia. it was somia na? poor woman she used to get in trouble ‘coz i had her badge. college was so much fun…

  70. 71 skzworldofdreams

    lol!…chun chun ke logon ko bataana par raha hai ke kaun si story woh bata sakein to make U look good…emphasis on the ‘look’. πŸ˜€ Aww.. πŸ˜›
    Tsk tsk..Xil. So u’ve always been getting shareef women like moi into trouble, huh? Tsk Tsk…paki aweditors!! πŸ˜€

  71. 72 skzworldofdreams

    oh and BTW…nice ‘caricature’.. πŸ˜‰

  72. 73 skzworldofdreams

    Cyma: Thank you! πŸ˜€ *SK waves and gracefully ‘glides’ (yeah well she is an Iman-esque angel, you know πŸ˜› ) away* πŸ˜€

  73. i misshhh noman and badar, and the arabic theme song of seasme street wahahhaann..i couldnt get why there is a Pakistani cushions heading in the menu card, or is it soemthing else, soemthing exotic that im unable to decipher? hahhaa

  74. 75 skzworldofdreams

    Hello!!! This faisalabad-eese is becoming very old-eese!! πŸ˜›
    Ramzan Mubarak!! Whenever it is in Pakistan. πŸ™‚

  75. Yes Abbas… Amina Haq… ahem. That was when u were sick one day from an OD of accounting and dozed off in the menz common room… :p

    yes… poor somia who alwez rems ure name in much fondness (aka respite :P) and has gotten engaged to a fellow some 2 months back. πŸ™‚

    dyu ever talk 2 zaheer?????

  76. skz:

    *wink* @ Iman-esque

    Hey. *joey style* How u doin’ πŸ˜›

  77. ‘That was when u were sick one day from an OD of accounting and dozed off in the menz common room’ HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! Ooooh…very romantic….talk about love is blind!! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜›
    ‘dyu ever talk 2 zaheer’…err…Cyma. Nowadays it’s mostly ‘dyu EVER talk?!! πŸ˜‰
    Cyma: πŸ™‚ and since I don’t know which ‘joey’ u’re talking about πŸ˜› , I’ll reply in my nephew’s style.. “Cool..” πŸ˜€

  78. Yeh sehri karne ke baad uttha nahin? πŸ˜€

  79. @ tanzilla: i miss ’em too. πŸ™‚

    @ bibi: cut down on the hallucinogens lady. they be bad for you. πŸ˜›

    @ cyma: what precisely, were you doing in the men’s common room?

  80. Hallucinating? Moi? OOHHH!! You mean when I said ‘nice caricature’?? Hmmm…true…it’s not THAT nice. πŸ˜› πŸ˜€

  81. yeah. its better. πŸ˜›

  82. 83 PsycheD

    i see that i missed out on somethng – elephants and iman! toh yahan par bhi – the counter’s ticking eh? i hate to say it dude – but no one’s a match to ur comments hits

  83. 84 skzworldofdreams

    hahahaha!! NOT!!!! πŸ˜› As someone said b4 Xil…quit using those LSDs. πŸ˜€
    Psyched: Hain nah? πŸ™‚

  84. and sparky, i don’t even have to hire rani to pick fights on my blog. πŸ˜›

    @ bibi: and as someone said “be original!” πŸ˜€

  85. No girl in her right mind wud be caught dead in a menz common room in akhss. I mean, Helloo… its not like its a american football teamz locker room. But Zaheer told me the story πŸ˜› πŸ˜‰

  86. what with perpetually hanging out with you chicks and bunking to eat the kabab rolls in the sms canteen, i think i missed this story…

    then again, most girls in their right minds wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere near anything to do with men from akhss. more’s the pity.

  87. u r rite about the sugar though….i dont like sugar and yet i v to include some in my diet everyday so that i dont end up takingg gibberish and passing out…..i wonder wot the punjabi version of seasme streert could be like…tillan wali gali..starring Anooo and basheera

  88. 89 skzworldofdreams

    No I think i”ll just stick to ‘committing big time Plagiarism’. πŸ˜€ Seriously though…I AM an Imanesque ORIGINAL! πŸ˜‰ :p

  89. roflol @ anoo and basheera. πŸ˜€ πŸ™‚ what’s big bird going to be? malik saab? πŸ™‚

  90. jawab day na malik sahab πŸ˜›

  91. get greatest info on recommended site around

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