“…har subha ke daaman pe aks-e-shaam hai saaqi”


i have this feeling that as the singular reason for our association comes to an end, that among all the goodbyes and farewells fond and fake, there will be one subtle nod of a tilted head, a twinkled acknowledgement in two black eyes, that will affect me more deeply than the last departing hugs of nine-year-long friends i know i will never keep in touch with.

and much as i would wish otherwise, i know that the vivid fantasies i conjure of bollywoodish turnarounds, last minute drama and climactic confessions of pent-up passion will always be merely fantasies and those last few seconds will be as bland as the infinite others that add up to make our yesteryears. and yet, despite this knowledge, the fantasies continue. so vivid at times, so elaborate, that i can script the design of the paazeb on your right ankle, the one you shake in time to the music in your head (yes i noticed). and when it all happens, i know i’ll probably ruin what should be a new beginning with my baggage from an ending that never managed to end.

it would be more rational to look for those other proverbial fish in the sea, the other stars in the sky. something, anything, to pull me away. but with every new forward-looking step that i make, come the ghosts of footprints washed away by the tides. ghosts of the millions of years that passed in momentary gazes into your eyes. and these ghosts surround me, choke me with their false promises that are so hard to bear because the stories you tell with the sparkle in your eyes will never be mine to write.

but why do i even bother writing this? what’s the point? of my words, my pain, my longing even if you were to somehow realise how you kill me with every step you move away? even if you felt more than that flattered sort of pity?

it takes a lonely man to understand the unswerving insanity of a bug flitting around a flame. 

at least it casts a shadow by the hopeless insect’s side.


37 Responses to ““…har subha ke daaman pe aks-e-shaam hai saaqi””

  1. Beautifully expressed!.

  2. Awwwww xillly 😦

  3. painful partings? The time came? Wouldnt it be good if in some parallel universe, Bollywood endings and last minute turn-arounds could happen…..baaz auqaar subha atti nnahee, bass akas-e-sham thaeer jata hae……..the perpetual eventide of discontent…..
    who is leaving? u or her? dont worry about the baggages….life has a way of shaking us up and shedding the baggages that refuse to be shed forcefully…that’s how we make space for acquiring new baggages….

  4. Impeccable! You bend your words like Uri Geller’s spoons. I hope from this recent parting you were able to strain some sweet sorrow. I wish you well.

  5. 5 skzworldofdreams

    O.k. …so now I don’t know what to say…. 😦
    Yo have your days as well, huh? Just live through it I guess, Xil. You going somewhere? Why the goodbyes? And what did you say to me last time? “Life is to live happily. Just live it and move on”…O.k that was such a BADDD case of ‘trying to say it like you did, but not even close!’ 😛 Well! You get the point. Cheer up, frosty 🙂 ….think of rafhan custard. 😀

  6. 6 skzworldofdreams

    Oh c’mon …don’t be selfish…it’ smy turn to be down and you to perk me up…but I can’t do that unless I’m done perking you up!! 😀 😛 So c’mon!! My turn! 😦

  7. 7 Sarah

    Pain is part of life and having the urge to express the pain is human nature, and makes us feel better, and even better we feel when we can read the same painfulness in the poetry of dead poets that only those understand who have been through similar ordeals, or at times we feel happy when readin the painful words of poets and see that we are much better off than they were, but this is not the point. Point is, at times we long for something not because we need it, but because we know consciously or subconsciously that we cannot have it, so sometimes it’s a desire, whether it’s necessary or meant to be in your life is another debate altogether. Life gets better if you realize this and try to let go of such things, because life is not meant to be to cry for such things, that you can’t have (aren’t good for you maybe), but life is more than this…

  8. 8 Sarah

    BTW, I thought Xill-e-Ilahi’s could have anything they wanted without asking for it. What kind of a Xill-e-Ilahi are you? The Babar kind or the ‘Bahadur Shah’ Zafar kind with thoughts like “na kissi ki ankh ka noor hun, na kissi ke dil ka qaraar hun”?

  9. 9 Saadat

    *tries to write something… anything*

    *goes back to reading the post*

  10. 10 skzworldofdreams

    Xil: On a More serious note: C’mon…get back up…just that one more time…remember your battle ain’t lost as yet. And just incase it’s not the ending you want (at the end 😛 ) maybe you have a better ending coming your way…don’t give up hope…doesn’t suit the Xil…as Sarah said.

  11. After reading couple of your posts and comments I think I can understand what you might be going through…but at the same time I am quite sure you know how to deal with these things in life. And as some women say ‘ wrinkles add character to a man”. :-)… Good luck , inshAllah!.

  12. Bought a ticket for a runaway train
    Like a madman laughin’ at the rain
    Little out of touch, little insane
    Just easier than dealing with the pain

  13. Bite down on a doughnut…hard…grit ur teeth…and bear it…

    Oh what the heck…life aint rosy for most of us at the moment..lets all bite down on doughnuts..

    Preferbly..after iftari..

  14. 14 skzworldofdreams

    Hem, you wrote that?
    Nopes…me don’t wanna be fatty…have to maintain my Imanesque look…no doughnuts for me, please 😛 Ay frosty…sahi ho jaao…me don’t wanna eat doughnuts!! AAHHH!! 😛
    Xilster……….come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ‘Samail’ fraand. 🙂

  15. of course not. i couldnt do poetry to save my teeth. and yes, my teeth are almost as important to me as my life.
    so no, it’s a song by soul asylum – runaway train.
    it’s cool.

  16. *speechless* :O

  17. 17 skzworldofdreams

    Hem: 😀
    Cyma: Err…about my being Imanesque? 😀

  18. 18 No One

    what’s the point? of my words, my pain, my longing even if you were to somehow realise how you kill me with every step you move away? —> yeah, theres no point…as they don’t ever understand…they don’t ever realize…how much it hurts…its easier for them to walk away like nothing happened…but only you know how much your heart is shattering into pieces…sadly…they don’t even turn to look back…just to see if your still standing…sigh…hear yah…take care..tahh.

  19. 19 mutarjam

    ek mahafil me.n ka_ii mahafile.n hotii hai.n shariik
    jis ko bhii paas se dekhoge vo tanhaa hogaa
    [Bashir Badr]

  20. SK yeh kahan gaya hai?

  21. 21 skzworldofdreams

    😦 Pata nahin…bacha bata ke nahin gaya… 🙂

  22. 22 PsycheD

    roza getting to me definitely….sleep deprivation has also numbed my brain….acha acha! i humbly admit i cudnt make out ziltch from the post! (shall i remind u again about my thingi on sher-o-shaeri?)
    khair…eliciting from the comments……who’s going? who;s leaving who? and does it hurt like we girls hurt?? …. am i being v vague? nonsensical? i thnk i better shud shut up. but for what it’s worth…hope u come out of whatever ur going thru unscathed.

  23. 23 skzworldofdreams

    You HAVE to keep moving on, Abbas. Just disappearing off into oblivion won’t dull the pain. Trust me…I know…I’m right now in the ‘I’ll just stay quiet, disappear into the background, can’t stop the pain of remembering him again 24/7- who cares’ phase. Not a happy place to be in…it’s like you kill what he left of you one day at a time…
    O.k….I think I just ‘killed’ my whole ‘you have to move on’ point. :S CLassic case of not doing what you preach!
    That’s enough to make you get all frustrated and stand up and ‘show SK how it’s done!!’ (AKA ‘I’ll show her how people move on! Stooped woman!’…errr…EVER call me that and you be DEAD. 😛 )….so show us how it’s done… 😀

  24. 24 skzworldofdreams

    Hem: Yaar!! Ek to mein bas har ek ko ‘buddhi aunty’ ki advice dene ke liye hi rehgayee!! My life be ‘a-pathetic’!!! O_O

  25. 25 Sarah

    HMMMM, honestly, I don’t get it nor can I understand the “pain” everyone is talking about. All of you seem to be in the same boat and have been left or whatever. Fortunately or unfortunately I am in another boat because I left the guy and I couldn’t understand him being “hurt” (btw, i didn’t just leave him coz I felt like it, there is a deep story behind it) but seriously GUYS learn to move on, there is so much in life…

  26. 26 skzworldofdreams

    err….i don’t mean to be impolite..err..but.. easier said than done.

  27. 27 maryatariq

    Dnt know what to ask or comment, just a few verses from faiz

    is waqt tou lagta hey kuch bhe naee hey
    mehtab na suraj, andhaira na ujala
    palkon k dareechon pe kisee husn kee chilman
    aur dil ke panahon mein kisee dard ka daira
    maana k ye mushkil gharee sakht karee hey
    magar aye mairey dil ye tou faqat aik gharee hey
    himmat karo, jeenay ko tou aik umr paree hey

  28. to watch them leave is truly the most heart wrenching thing you can ever go through… especially when you leave first, only to hide behind the pillar and watch, hoping against hope, that they would turn once.. just once.. to even check where you are before stepping into the car waiting for them……

    baggage or no baggage xill, this pain no one deserves!~

    all the best! i hear the saaqi is a real good companion in these times…

  29. ur brilliant!

  30. you could be an afsana nigar, a poet and a drama writer and teh name xill-e-elahi suits so well to all of these:)

  31. bohat achay
    just read this post – as stated by others here, you ought to dabble in fiction now..
    Keep it up!

  32. 32 skzworldofdreams

    OYE!!! Har subha ke daaman pe’ ABHI TAK KYUN ‘aks-e-shaam he’ Xilly??!! 😛 😀

  33. shaam raat mein badal gaei hae, jugnoo suo gaey hein…..crickets jaag gaey heinn…Xill ko bhe ab wapis ajana chayeee….

  34. Shaam kay aks mein ab Eid ka chaand bhi utar aya hai, badshah salamat!

    Eid Mubarak! 🙂

  35. yes.. u were right when u had said ‘LIFE’ 🙂 i understand.. now wat u were gng thru, sorry for the insensitive way of replying to that.. but i hadnt known, forgive moi 😦
    u’ll move on simlpy bcos so many wonderful ppl will NOT let u stay stuck 🙂 u’ll move on buddy, take our word on it! Friendz honor 🙂
    oyeee… iman ali ne shadi tou nai ki na ab tak? there! u still have a shot 😀
    EID MUBARAK n may the pain ease away into gentle murmurs 😛 how else m i gona stay in love with ur blog n rantings and bla blaz, lolz!
    yes, selfish me, yes 😛

  36. much as i hate to burst your collective bubble, i am still alive. and all the nice supportive things said on this post are greatly appreciated. having said that, life isn’t exactly a bed of roses.

    and that’s all i have to say about the war in vietnam.

  37. There are no words..you said it all.

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