planet of the grapes


” kaali kaali bakreean, oon hai kya?”

well the translator/lyricist/rip-off-artist puts it as

“jee haan, jee haan, teen thaileean.”

the more likely riposte from any self respecting black sheep, however, would be,

‘uloo ke pathay, “sheep” ko kehtay hain “dumba”.’

the point being that where there’s a smart aleck who thinks he did a good job translating something, there is a pile of figurative bullshit. which is why most pakistanis wish veena malik would stick to urdu or punjabi.

i can’t see any logical connection here (but then who ever comes to this blog for logic?) but this brings us to the question that everyone is asking. and no, i’m not referring to the date of the next victoria’s secret fashion show. no i’m talking about where osama is. yes, osama bin laden. the guy who made bush the most famous non-human primate on the face of the earth. contrary to popular belief, osama is not in in a cave or tunnel in north waziristan. no sir, no way. he’s much more comfortably shacked up in banaras colony, karachi, and operating under the guise of a pathan rickshaw driver with the words da bajaur gulona (flower of bajaur) painted in a merry cherry red on the back of his vehicle. and no, his insurance policy against arrest is not a suicide jacket. its a quaint pukhtoon custom called pannah warkawel (offering asylum), which is an integral part of the sacred honour code known as pashtunwali.

the pashtun race is supposedly the world’s biggest segementary lineage ethnic group. it is definitely the largest ethnic group in the pakistani transportation business. a distant second is the donkey. though both of them share the top slot in the “stubborn” department. it has been said that when one pathan says to another, “quit being an ass”, any donkey within earshot will be seen to be grinning from ear to ear. its like an honour for them. but i digress. pashtunwali, to put in a nutshell, is the collective expectation for behaviour, conduct and attitude that any one pathan or a whole group have for one another. as such it is sacrosanct and even though you saw the traitor in the rambo movie you have to understand that no pathan will ever hand over someone seeking asylum. and asylum has been sought. so osama is here to stay. had he been from anywhere else, the spy sattelites would easily have caught him taking a leak benind a bunker facing a wall on which was transcribed “yeh kutta paishab kar raha hai” but fate has determined that an arab terrorist can easily pass for a pathan fruit vendor and vice versa and bin laden is no exception. so when you’re zooming down from that high above, it’s not that easy to differentiate between aimen al zawahiri and gulsher khan achakzai.

and its not just the visuals either. arabs and pathans are similar on so many different levels its actually unnerving. they both talk in harsh guttural tones which to speakers of the more naturally melodic urdu sound awfully like someone clearing their throat. they both favour headgear, suppress women and rarely need spectacles. they even share the same basic credo in life, translated so aptly by burton in the thousand nights and a night as, “women for breeding, boys for pleasure and melons for sheer delight”. now imagine osama sitting in a seedy cinema hall in orangi town watching a mussarat shaheen/badar muneer oldie and it will click. there’s the woman for breeding (sort of), the boy for pleasure (if you conede that any beardless male is a boy), and a pair of melons jiggling obscenely despite all the posturing of the censor board. ab aur kia chahiye is se behtar? waves. naam hi kaafi hai.

so if bush’s dear condi is reading this, please please stop trying to find the man. he’ll die of natural causes before you do anyway. concentrate on trying to find weapons of mass destruction in mongolia. i hear they’re planning an attack on israel in the not too distant future. something about recovering tel aviv for its rightful owners…


note to self: do not drink grape juice on an empty stomach. it does not do your mind any good.


and blame hemlock for this post. she begged me to update. so there. i’m updated. and up and dated. soon i’ll be up and dating giselle. you wait and see. just wait….


today i went to the mehndi of a guy younger than me.

he’s already looking older.



36 Responses to “planet of the grapes”

  1. 1 skzworldofdreams

    ROFL!!!Where do you come up with this stuff?!!! This is hilarious. And the ‘sophisticated woman’ 😛 in me loves line no. 5. 😀 Woah, Xil….AWESOME!!! 🙂
    hmmm…’soon i’ll be up and dating giselle. you wait and see. just wait….’ Ummm…your note to self should go something like this: “do not drink grape juice on an empty stomach. it does not do your mind (if you have one)any good. You start hallucinating BIG TIME Abbas!!Put that glass down…put it down! Now!” 😀
    Oh and ‘just wait and see’….I wouldn’t hold my breath.. 😉 😀 😛

  2. roflol. you crazy moron… SK;s right… WHERE the hell do you find this stuff?
    your english is weak. i told you to update. dont recall begging 😀 but khalli walli. it’s good to see yet another meaningless post.

    incidently, on the question of whereabouts of mr osama, my friend and i were having dinner at this place and i was updating him on the arrests they’d made in LUMS. so i say:
    “and osama siddique’s been arrested”
    there was a gora sitting across our table, the guy did a 180 degree turn to look at me and try and figure out if it was osama bin laden’s arrest i was talking talking about.

    freaking paranoids.

    teh way i look at it, america needs to continue attacking countries across the world because they cannot fill the trade deficit, and the only way to make money is either by attacking resource rich countries or selling weapons. to sell weapons, you need to create demand, hence the geopolitical conditions existing today.

  3. 3 PsycheD

    hahaahahahaah rofl hahahahahahaa seriously dude….where do u come up with all this eh? from wherever, just keep em coming! 😛 had a gud laugh in a month yaar! (well..actually, since im at work…its hardly a laugh – more like a restrained smile 🙂

    date gissele – yeah right! what, iman died in dehradoon kya??

    lol @ women, boys and melons hahahahahahahahaahahaha sickos! so the pathan-boy thingi is true?? i keep hearing aboutit – but i take em as one of those pathan/sardar silly jokes…but then again, arent those jokes actually true too?? :S
    is this how humans are supposed to be?? why am i even going there?? i thnk i shud leave work early :S

  4. 4 skzworldofdreams

    Hem: EXACTIMO…the trade deficit thingy. 🙂
    Psyched: O_O It’s true?? I also thought it was a joke thingy. :S Ummm…no comments…

  5. 5 skzworldofdreams

    Hey Hem: I have proof that frosty’s english is weak. 😀 Frosty.?? 😉 Muahahahahaha. 😀 😛

  6. you people ask me where i come up with all this as if its untrue.

    sparky, you (because you are in publication), and hemlock, you (becuse you were a lousy april type journalist trying to impress raphael like me), should read that hilarious brand of toilet paper that masquerades under the name of “evening special”.

    and i’d really love to see the letters to the editors that you write. 🙂

  7. 7 skzworldofdreams

    And me..? 😦 *sob* ‘Dost dost naa raha…’ *sob*

  8. you need to be literate to read, bibi. 😛

  9. 9 skzworldofdreams

    …or to play..AND WIN!.. scrabulous? 😉 😛

  10. 10 hemlock

    sk: send me the invite again…
    and eXy…who’s april? and who’s raphael?

  11. Ummm…o.k…if I can figure it out. 🙂 We can then clobber Xil together. 😀
    Oh and april…raphael….teenage mutant ninja turtles…frosty is calling himself a fat turtle, who wears an orange head band, right now. Looks like my beating him gave him a huggee complex. 😀 Aww…that’s o.k Xil…sachai ka saamna karne mein he insaan ki behtari hai. 😛 😀

  12. if the FBI ppl come to arrest you, please tell them you are NOT my fraaaind 😛

  13. 13 Saadat

    Fear not, UD. Abbas knows where to go for asylum.

    And yes, thanks for the laugh, jahan panah. Your court certainly doesn’t need a jester in presence of your nasty sense of humour. 🙂

  14. As much as I’m begging to differ,but you’ve got your stuff spot-on!
    God I’m sorry, I don’t hate arabs, He does <—–

  15. 15 babar

    You are shamelessly racist in your views but awefully good with your writings.

  16. @ bibi: you dimwit. the tutles were muscle bound not fat. and the orange guy was michaelangelo. apni jahalat ka muzahira karna zaroori hai? 😛

    @ mona: fikar not. i’ll just tell them you’re the ringleader… 🙂

    @ saadat: au contraire. i need funnier people around me for the isnpiration. 🙂

    @ falsa: nobody disagrees with the king. nobody. 😎 i am always right.

    @ babar: that is the most honest compliment you could have given. cheers. 🙂

  17. 😉 The ‘tutles’ were muscle bound? hmmm….so…angrezi to sahi bol liya karo!! Apni jahalat ka muzahira karna zaroori hai?! 😛 😀 😛
    And pish posh…muscle bound or fat…same thing. Mote log aksar apne fat ko muscle ka naam de dete hain…just to feel good. 😛 You mota. 😀
    Oh and sorry….I’m not really into turtles..hence the wrong band on the wrong turtle.. Nice to see you are… 😛 Hmmm…makes you think, doesn’t it? 😉

  18. You my friend…TAKE THE CAKE!!!

  19. 19 Alvina Khan

    k that was v.v.funny lol, i was sitting in the school library nd came accross this and, well im banned from the library for ignorantly disrupting the “atmosphere” but wat the hey, that was soooo brilliant, it was all worth it!!!!!!

    wow desi ppl rock like nobody else!!!

    NAMACOOL JUNK WAS ERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;)

  20. 20 skzworldofdreams

    You’ve been tagged!!! Oh c’mon..just do it for fun! Of course you’ll have to reappear first you ghaibana insaan! 😛

  21. 21 skzworldofdreams

    YOu seriously give a whole new meaning to the term ‘Ghaibana tarruf’. 😀

  22. i am sure osama is driving a mini bus on my ghar ka route these days….if i end up boarding the bus of the same driver, i keep hearing the driver’s chant of ‘guluna guluna’ and ya he carries a pic of osama posing with a gun too, besides an empty cassette case with musarat shaeen’s pics in her haseena atom bomb pose.

  23. He has gone to planet of the grapes. “Milte hain break ke baad”. 😛

  24. update already. your blog is more wait less talk

  25. 25 skzworldofdreams

    Hey Hem: Just like frosty…more ‘weight’ less talk. 😀 😛 😀

  26. haha. actually, he talks alot too…;)

  27. 27 skzworldofdreams

    …and no dispute on the ‘weight’ thingy, right? 😀 It’s so fun to diss him while he’s not around…on his own blog!! 😛 😀

  28. Lol. Osama’s probably living in Bush’s backyard, in the treehouse.

  29. 29 PsycheD

    LOL@ sumera hahahaha…that is sooo possible u know! classic case of ‘look where u’d never think of looking.’

    @hem & sk……….so loving what u guys are upto 😛 keep up with the kawabunga! 😛

    xilleyy….aahh so thats where u come up with all those preposterous masaledaar blog post ideas!
    no matter what dude…u’ll always be lurrved for ur expressions.

  30. This is hilarious! Made me grin ear to ear and NO I am not the donkey feeling proud someone told a pathan not to be an ass. 😀

  31. runaway train never coming back
    wrong way on a one-way track
    seem like i should be getting somewhere
    somehow im niether here nor there…

    has this blog been abandoned?
    for good?
    stay tuned to find out… same abbat time, same abbat channel!

  32. lol! Huggsss Hem. 😀

  33. 33 ali raza

    black sheep = kaali bhaer

  34. that was ball-bouncingly funny!… grape fruit on an empty stomach should be immediately followed by half a dozen bananas and a packet of menthol malboro lights.

    Ossama by the way, is vacationing this winter in the outer hebrides with a fake scottish accent and an over-sized kilt under the alias O’sama Gunther McLadin.

  35. has anyone of you ever noticed that aimen al zawahiri looks just like colonel sanders with a longer beard?

  36. 36 SK


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