roget ki aulad


contrary to popular belief, there are only two subsets of the human race. people and irritating people. and try as they will to convince you otherwise, wannabes of every shape, size and colour always fall into the latter category. no exceptions, and probably no disagreement. of course desi variants of wannabe wodehouses like myself don’t qualify for the last statement because they are ubercool and the world swoons at their feet.

just thought i’d let you know.

this post is not about wannabes though. this is about another type of irritating person. this category of idiot is suffering from delusions of proficiency in its chosen ‘cool’ language, english. for purposes of ease (and also because i don’t particularly like the name), let’s give the unfortunate group the ven more unfortunate name of subuktagin. having gone through maybe three vocabulary books of the type morons use to cram for sats and university admission tests, subuktagin feels the world can now be conquered by spouting ridiculously out of context words and phrases till you begin to wonder if maybe the guy had a dictionary for lunch. subuktagin does not talk to you. he perorates. and even though you couldn’t care less if he swallowed his tongue (actually that would be kinda nice) other people do appreciate him and his diction (though he would say that they shower him with encomiums and panegyrics). subuktagins are almost always management trainees in the consumer goods or corporate banking industries. that that speaks volumes about the packaging policy of our business schools as opposed to content is something we will not dwell on considering that a significant portion of the retarded readership of this blog has either graduated from or is currently wasting time at the aforesaid institutes of higher learning (wow, phrased in absolute bullcrap. subuktagin would be proud). anyone who has lived and worked in the pakistani corporate environment knows or has met a subuktagin. unfortunately, being paki, most of us tend to ignore these viruses and find other things to hate. like sheikh rasheed or badar muneer or the way omar sharif says “government”. 

and that, probably, is why the jerk who i was sitting next to at the dholki has not yet been lynched by a mob.

dholkis are, apart from being the settings for possible run-ins with subuktagins, pretty nice things to attend. especially considering the fact that the closest thing to a dhol at a modern day dholki is what i affectionately refer to as my thirty-six pack and other people crudely call my square barrel. the only musical instrument is the dj. there’s booty aplenty and boy can the ladies shake it well. there are few nice things i have to say about dance tracks picturised on akshay kumar and sunil shetty but dekha jo tujhe yaar dil mein bajee guitar…

needless to say the view was perfect until someone managed to drag me on the dance floor. gorillas on crack have danced better with a splinter in one foot and gangrene in the other than i have ever managed with only a mirror to watch let alone a capacity crowd. like i explained later, there should be something a guy’s not good at. and i’m not frigging 16 anymore. it would have been ok if subuktagin hadn’t turned out to be a pocket version of a male shakira but as luck would have it, not only can he quote messrs. merriam and webster at will but he can also do some wicked footwork with the supremely idiotic lyrics of dard-e-disco blaring out from the speakers. how i hate him.

jub beetay barson se cho guna wazan honay lagay
behtar hai manjh se taaluq ghaibana reh jaye
nachana hi ho to humein nachao tum usee waqt
dainay ko daad jub faqat shamiana reh jaye

who ever said only the greater poets found inspiration in adversity?

fortunately though the hottest of the hotties on display – and mind you it was like i’d found my 70 virgins – managed to end up on the seat next to mine and i pretended to chat her up much to the awe, shock and envy of subuktagin. that i extracted nothing other than the fact that she was the wife of one of the muscle bound bores smoking in the dark recesses of the tent is totally irrelevant. as i left i shook his hand, smiled and said that meeting him had made me positively virulent. of course, he didn’t understand and smiled back and told me that the pleasure was all his.

the meek may inherit the earth but i; i shall con them out of it.


20 Responses to “roget ki aulad”

  1. 1 hemlock

    what’s the history behind subuktagin? i remember that word from long ago.
    anyways boy, seems like some yuppie’s portfolio and profile and looks and ability to move made you quite jealous.
    yes, that’s the problem with you karachi people. cant see anyone else get ahead of you.
    how DOES omer sharif say government? and DeD has some smashing lyrics habibi 😉 at least much better than your couplet – they make sense 😀

  2. Even though I personally have nothing against the name Subuktigin (a question about him–the ruler–helped me pass my history exam in 6th grade), I really like its use for the oh-so-eloquent beings among us. I hope you won’t mind if I spread the term.

    By the way, what kind of dard is dard-e-disco? Pain in one’s limbs due to too much discoing?

  3. Errrr …. perorates??? I make up for my lack of vocabulary with my Americanized accent. Duh! lol Thankfully I don’t have any ultra kewl friends spitting out farangiat at me. Bully for moi. 😀

  4. @ hemlock: saadat’s question answered your comment about the greatness of ded’s lyrics. 🙂

    @ saadat: dard-e-disco is a congenital defect. subuktagin inherited it from alaptagin…

    @ la belle etrangere: you are so lucky. 🙂

  5. me likes your blog too! it makes me laugh 🙂

  6. incidentally i was at an engagement yesterday with a friend who said the same thing…
    “mai koi dance shance naheem not 16 anymore”

  7. @ tfl: well thats what its supposed to do. 🙂

    @ shehzad: dude, we aren’t all madhuri dixit. which is a good thing. otherwise tezaab would have been one hell of a flop.

  8. yer so cheap.
    aik do teen, char paanch chay saat ath nau das giyarh, barah, terah!
    tera keron din gin gin ke, intezar, aaja piya aye bahar!

  9. chor gaya munh mor gaya woh
    pichlay maheenay ki chabis ko
    dil main meray hai dard e disco
    dard e disco! dard e disco!

    now that’s what i call GOOD poetry…

    New york, LA, san francisco… dil main meray hai dard e …

  10. 10 skzworldofdreams

    Frosty: ‘and the world swoons at their feet.’…Khushfehmian. They’re probably just ‘swooning’ coz they just inhaled the ‘vivacious/luscious/any other unrelated and so out of place ‘cious’ that a subuktagin can think of’ odour of your smelly feet. 😀
    Other than that…lol post. 🙂 I especially liked the part where the ‘hottest of hotties’ you were trying to impress 😛 turned out to be married. 😀 Yai hi haal hona tha tumhara. 🙂 Oh and ROFL at how you left subuktagin. THAT I liked. 🙂
    Hem: And the true shairah comes out in the open. Knew she was hidden in you somewhere. 😉 Ummm…though I would send her back into hiding. 😀 😛

  11. @ hemlock: well considering you’re from lahore and you naturally compare it your own indigenous poetry (read lollywoodian lyrics) it is a tad superior, i’ll grant you that. consider the following:

    kurti wi gilli gilli
    lacha wi gilla gilla
    pinday pe parya mahi
    hath tera tilla tilla

    @ bibi: so you admit it. you’re a sucker for my style 😎 …

  12. lol!! Frosty.. I would take off those dark glasses and put on your reading glasses! Apparently you missed out on the first thing I wrote to you…odour..?? 😛 Dheet larke! Kaha kuch aur, suna kuch aur.. 😀

  13. 😀 lolzzzzzzzz thank u for making it worth being awake at almost 3am! once u got to know abt her being married, u shud have gotten the dard-e-disco too yaar! waqai dheet ho 😛

  14. 🙂 no once i heard she was married i khisko-ed away 😛

    yes i know thats corny.

  15. 15 skzworldofdreams


  16. 16 PsycheD

    so someone went to a dholki…someone got eye candy from 70 bootilicious virgins shakin their goods eh? 😛
    ok – where’s my article?????? *clears throat, puts out chest a la shabnam in punjabi movies* – u dont want a crude and rude and cruel ed getting after y now do u??

  17. 17 PsycheD

    and dont u dare make a comparison with me and that shabbo! ggrrrr!
    i was just being dramatic….achaa naaaaaaaaaaaa…………..mera article kithey weh??????

  18. 18 skzworldofdreams

    Aww! You’re slacking frosty. Tsk tsk. 😉 Get to work boy! 😀 😛

  19. Dude, you are one of the reasons I don’t update; there’s no point if one can’t write like you 🙂

    You might write better than me bro., but I dance badly better than you, actually I do-not-dance better than you; and here’s the best part: Everyone writes better than me – so nothing great about that feat of yours, but no-one does-not-dance better than me – still.

  20. @ knicq: you assume too much 🙂 we ought to have a showdown, the two of us. we’ll hire a couple of blind and deaf judges and do it in the inaugural session of the handcuffed-and-shackled-olympics.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: