hameed bhai


you meet and get to know around 769,334 people during your lifetime. thats the tragedy of globalisation. the good thing about globalisation is that there are still around 5,998,651,277 people whom you do not meet. this was not possible when the world was flat and “flatalisation” was the buzzword among the corporate types who ran the east india company and the spanish armada and abacus factories. of course, that was largely because there weren’t 5,998,651,277 people around at the time – they kept falling off the edges – and because even the greatest visionaries of the time could not come up with a way to form a social networking system called facebook. or face-sheaves-of-parchment. whatever.

i have a bunch of people on my facebook list who, by character are lemmings at best and laxatives at worst. these are the people who add every application they come across and then very kindly include me in the twenty or so people they need to include to find out how many socks they should wear or if they should stop breathing when they die. they wish me not only on birthdays and new years and eids but on the bar mitzvahs of their uncle’s neighbour’s kids and also send me a video clipping to boot. occasionaly they will also congratulate me on someone’s funeral and ask me to join the group “my newspaper deliveryboy died yesterday” and to add the free wreath application. electronic diarrhea.

with friends like these, who needs enemas? i mean enemies. or do i?

speaking of which, i realise that the title of this post has got nothing to do with the post so far – and ordinarily this would make no difference to me whatsoever, but since its been a nice weekend (no sign of sheikh rasheed on any news channel) – so i’ll get back on topic. there was once, and probably still is, an idiot named hameed something-or-the-other who set up a shop in the electronics market on abdullah haroon road in karachi. that wasn’t the idiotic part. neither was getting visiting cards printed. nor was distributing them to every poor sap who bought something from him. what was idiotic was getting his cell number on the card wrong. so lets say his actual number is 0300-5551234. he gets it printed as 0300-5551243. that happens to be my friend, the stud’s cell number (have you noticed how every one in a hollywood flick always has a number that starts with 555? is there some sort of law on this?).

now you can only say ji is number per koi hameed bhai nahin hotay around seven thousand four hundred and thirty nine times without getting irritated. after that it is not humanly possible unless you are sheikh rasheed’s mother and have put up with something more irritating than wrong numbers all your life. so you hand over the phone to someone else and tell them to talk to hameed bhai’s caller. for some reason or the other, this is usually me. that the thing went on for over seven years bears testimony to the fact that when hameed bhai got his cards printed he sure made the card-printer’s day.

over the years i have promised new refrigerators, airconditioners and washing machines to dozens of people. i have claimed that the business has been shut down, gone bankrupt, burned to the ground, raided by bustoms agents and exchanged for a chaat shop in new challi. i have at various times been hameed bhai’s father, son, brother, boss, servant, mugger, ambulance driver and murderer. hameed bhai has been murdered, shot at, electrocuted, suffocated inside a deep freezer and stoned to death for karo-kari. i have also given directions to the shop, other shops, no shops at all and several times to what is known as a public latrine in pakiland. i have even told a guy claiming to be his father in law that i am the cousin of his secret third wife and am using his mobile while err… the marriage is being consummated. the stud, whose cell it is, has obviously done much worse.

of course, this stuff always irritates those calling hameed bhai and not hameed bhai himself who probably remains blissfully unaware of this most of the time. however, when i told his supplier that i wasn’t going to pay him one red cent and that if he ever tried to collect he had better make sure he was well guarded because there was a gunnybag with his name on it in a particular sector office of a particular party, i suppose something not so nice happened to hameed bhai. the calls slowly fizzled out and eventually stopped altogether.

recently, another friend came across an old visiting card that had the stud’s number on it and passed it on. this reminded us of the fun we had fooling people who called for hameed bhai and while passing through saddar we went to see if the shop was still open and if hameed bhai was still alive. so we entered the shop and went through the motions of choosing a bunch of things for the dowry of an imaginary sister and then sat down to negotiate rates with hameed bhai. during the process, we told him that a friend had given his reference and we tried calling but the number was apparently a wrong one as the guy on the phone said that hameed bhai was in jail.

this got the guy all excited and you could literally see him go red as he started cursing the “phone wala” and told us how the #$$^&@@%  had nearly runied his business and family life by spreading lies about him. he said he had tried to get the number blocked by mobilink or at least finding out the owner but they hadn’t complied (at this point we both silently thanked the being upstairs – hameed bhai may be old but he is 6’2″ and at least 400 pounds) otherwise the person would have been sorry. we left, after telling him we were bringing our pickup round to the front, and ten minutes later called him from the same number and told him that three split air conditioners he had sold two days ago were all faulty and that he had better send over his repairman immediately or replace the acs. i had, of course, swiped a carbon copy of the receipt from his desk.

three hours later he called nine times but we never answered. we could feel the increased blood pressure with every ring.

i have a feeling that no one from his family will ever issue a misprinted card again.

if they do, we’ll add them on facebook.


27 Responses to “hameed bhai”

  1. you understand how sorry i am about sending you invitations to “see how you will die” or “how you pick your nose” or “what’s your scratching style”… but i cant discover mine, unless i invite 20 other people, and im sorry to add, but you the first one on my friend’s list… it’s just easy to click the first 20 people… i know by the time im done with these stupid applications, ill have no friends left… but at least ill know “who’s coming to my funeral”

    btw, the post was hilarious. or maybe im in a very good mood. im laughing… it’s a beautiful day…
    *walks towards the light, singing”

  2. irrelevant as it may seem, dawn newspaper has been forecasting (probably erroneously) snow in dubai for the past two days. i knew there was a job for proofreaders somewhere…

  3. there have been hail storms in RAK and UAQ, and it rained for three seconds in dubai. dawn may not be that off the mark.
    what does the weather have to do with anything?

  4. hahaha it was such an hilarious post!!!
    and yup that facebook thing is REALLY irritating!!

  5. ROFL …hahahahahahahahahahahaha…whoa…………hahahahahahahahaha…………..Friggin Awesome!………………….AAAAAAAAALLLLLAAA!!!!!

    lol poor Hameed bhaoi……..hahahahahahahahaha……..Iam sorry i just cant stop laughing….hahahahahahahahaha!

  6. 6 Saadat

    Don’t be alarmed if this post suddenly starts getting a huge number of hits. I have emailed its permalink to everyone in my address book.

    Or maybe I should’ve written a Facebook App about it. Hmm.

    And thanks for giving me ideas about what to say to all those who call at my home phone asking for Windows registration. I was tired of advocating open source and pirated software.

  7. 7 Shahzeb Ihsan

    Hilarious post… 😀

    By the way I’m on of the guys Saadat emailed the permalink to. And did I mention that this post was hilarious?

  8. 8 PsycheD

    wah!! shaabash bachay! 😀
    if it makes ur day – ur posts are the longest posts that i actually survive reading and also end up laughing. if that doesnt make ur day, i dont care! 😛

    seriously, ur gifted. warna how else wud someone come up with such?

    ok – so where IS the article again??
    if im getting on ur nreves with this one – gud! 😛

  9. 9 skzworldofdreams

    :/ I think I am one of those people on your facebook list.. 😀 Sorry!!! True…I do ry to avoid sending… ummm…silly?.. tests to my friends..but hey! they were passed on to me by people I respect a lot…so I figure, why not? 😛 And dude!! gotta see the result to the silly test..which ain’t happenin’ till I pass it on. 😀 Will refraineth from now on-eth. 😀
    O.k…so NOW I’ll read your post and reply tomorrow. 😀 Dad needs the computer. 🙂 Yes! I still share!! 😀 😛

  10. 10 skzworldofdreams

    O_O You did all THAT? O_O

  11. yes ditto with the face book and the gazillion invites everyone keeps sending about movies etc…
    ur revenge on hameed bhae is Legendery. Maybe i should send u my hit list as well, or maybe u can conduct a “Revenge 101 for dealing with those who misprint their numbers or use them for dropping missed calls at others’ cells” session at t2f.

  12. 😀


  14. 14 skzworldofdreams

    I think it’s time you get in touch with me for details of my ex. 😉 The address…the tel no., etc. 😀 😛

  15. am i the only one i know not on facebook?

  16. 16 Sarah

    It’s your own fault, that people add you on facebook and then send you invites. I mean anyone who visits your blog can check out your profile on orkut and facebook, so you are kinda offering them to send you invites, and people are short of people on facebook anyway to send invites too..

  17. 17 Sarah

    Actually maybe you want to be found and added on facebook.. I wonder why

  18. hameed bhai ney kaboo ker liya ho ga …. 😛

  19. 19 PsycheD

    @sk & omer… LOL! never know!

    ohh hell! i know why he gone ghayeb again! im pestering him for the article he promised!!

    @ abbas (not u xille) the abbas up there with the ultra cool avtar/dp….well, guess what…make that two. my profile is on fb – but its as gud as dead. same to same na?

  20. i don’t know man. somehow these sites seem way too pervasive to me. at least i know what i post on my blog is mine and mine alone and i chose to share it. not the same case with social networking sites. they own you.

  21. 21 skzworldofdreams

    Abbas (the other one 😛 ) Nah but facebook seems a bit…o.k…so teeny weeny eensy weensy bit..more discreet than the others. No one can get in unless you approve them. It becomes a ‘DEAD BORING/ WHY am I even here/this is so pathetic’ site after about a week 😛 but phir bhi a nice way to say a quick hi to your friends…and then wait a week for them to reply. 😛 😀

  22. 22 skzworldofdreams

    Hey Psyched, Xil’s FB site shows a change in jobs and location Abu Dhabi…think he’s left already?

  23. 23 SK

    Oye, frosty! Promotion ka matlab ye nahin hota ke you forget your friends, accha! Esp. when one of them asks for samose!! 😛

  24. Facebook or not. I feel sorry Mr Hameed-ul-Hassan Barelvi sahab.
    Bad. Very Very Very Bad.

  25. Facebook or not. I feel sorry for Mr Hameed-ul-Hassan Barelvi sahab.
    Bad. Very Very Very Bad.

  26. Lol … Er … I am guilty of sending these silly invites as well. Can’t help it. I wanna know how many people know more about Draco Malfoy then I do or what they were gonna do if they had only 30 days to live. Don’t go anywhere Abbas … your post is the first thing in many days that has made me laugh genuinely. Stay!

  27. 27 misspecs


    *wipes away tears*

    Man, this post made my day. Hameed Bhai ki tu fateha parh dain. I’m glad i never had a business card misprinted. Whew.

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