i too shall model for brylcreem…

24Feb08

… on fm radio.

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there is, in abu dhabi, a harley davidson dealership which seems to sell more jackets than choppers. there is one hell of a good restaurant that claims to have the original “americana” variety of that very pakistani dish, chicken tikka, and a laloo laundry run by – you guessed it – not laloo. things are not always as they seem, in abu dhabi.

having said that, i don’t really look like james mcavoy even though i have a second cousin with the same hairstyle. not that that digression seems to have a logical connection, but then, neither do second cousins.

the only type of people anyone can understand less than his or her own second cousins is the class of humanity known as filipino telephone operators. if filipinos were sindhis, i’d be a respected member of the community known popularly “as aa bahoo saein”. i would have a quaint little haveli outside manila or vanilla or whatever they call their capital and get elected unopposed to a provincial assembly seat whenever someone held an election. life would be good, i’d have a bunch of bonded labourers, kill my secretary for karo kari, and have great mangoes to eat. unfortunately, filipinos are not sindhi and sindhis are not filipinos so i am simply mispronounced by one and accused of being a racist by the other. it is a sad, sad world we live in.

i get irritated every time they call me aa bahoo saein but then i think of that advertisement for a real estate thing they used to air constantly on ptv in the early nineties with the fat practically mustachioed lady going, “hum to chaley maneeela centre” and i realise they’re just getting back at us. never mind. wasim bhai aap thaktay nahin? nahin, mein cigarette nahin peeta.

waise
, speaking of mispronunciations, one lebanese guy very kindly pointed out to me that if i don’t stress the syllables of my name the way he does it, it doesn’t make a difference if they call me aa bahoo saein or chin fuo lee because i’m as guilty as they are. with an arabic name one can hardly argue with that kind of logic but then i’m a pakistani and i have seen wasim bhai and whenever i am faced with that kind of predicament i can safely say “nahin, mein cigarette nahin peeta“.

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in case you were wondering why i’m not missing home as much as i ought to, its because the taxi drivers here in dhabi’s dad are every bit as insanely irrational as those in khi-town. and they’re just as pukhtoonily pathan. also the fact that hemlock‘s nimco is rotting on top of my tv. not that her nimco rots on my tv back at home but you get the point.

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eid al muhibba came and went, and i was left thinking if i could somehow get a patent on roses so that every rose sold would result in royalties to me, william richard gates would be shining my shoes. i have never understood why any idiot would presume a chick would like him more just because he gave her a pink teddy bear. but thats what chicks are like nowadays. me, i’d rather give a blue flyswatter as a token of my undying love. they convey so much depth, these blue flyswatters. i mean when its hot and you’re sweaty and the flies are bugging you what would you rather have? a pink teddy bear? of course not.

but girls are just too dumb to understand these things. back in pakistan, we know just how to treat women. consider the following picture from a restaurant at home.

 

yes. the door really does lead to the desert. so much for progress.

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11 Responses to “i too shall model for brylcreem…”

  1. 1 skzworldofdreams

    ROFL @ ‘i’d have a bunch of bonded labourers, kill my secretary for karo kari, and have great mangoes to eat.’ Wheer do you come up with all this? This is hilarious! 🙂
    lol! I was “shay-law” according to the filipino operators in Dubai. 😀 Yours is still better…atleast it doesn’t resemble any word out there as opposed to ‘shay-law’…err,shallow? I think not! Hmph!! 😛

  2. I was driving back from isloo a few years ago, and somewhere in the vicinity of sukkur, couldnt hold it in anymore. so I stopped at a dhabba and asked the guy if his establishmed had a loo i could use.

    He looked at me for a second, pointed to the desert and said “yeh kya hai?”

  3. 3 hemlock

    dude. dont even bother. there are so many frigging variations to my name, from indians to palapeenoes to arabs… i kid you not, ive forgotten how my name is pronounced. if you asked me to say it out loud, i wouldnt be able to.
    anywhere from thanya, to sonia to somiya to wtf my name is none of the above.
    ive just resigned myself to spelling it out and leaving to the imagination of the audience.

    you couldve just let me know when you were back. you live in abu dhabi, read my blog, therein lies a tragic story of driving and speeding fines.
    but fear not ye of little faith. ill come to AD soon. if i dont, anta you come to dxb next weekend 😀
    and like i told you, nimko has a shelf life. maybe not in your house though. DONT EAT MY NIMKO!

  4. Sindhis & philipinos hehehe….you crack me up…dude…GREAT STUFF…

  5. 5 cyma

    im glad those pathan cabbies are keeping u from being homesick. Im in my hubbyz village these days and all our ‘muzaare’ men seem to have gone to ‘dobai’ as they endearingly refer to it, so perhaps i can give u a list of names on those cabbies – if u insist.

    It seems somehow driving a cab in a foreign region makes it somewhat more appealing than driving a cab on the roller coaster roads of pakistan.

    well, who am i to judge. My second cousin is pumping gas in atlanta.

  6. 6 No One

    Haha…have to give it to you…a very entertaining post…enjoyed it…

    ps: common…a pink teddy is still cute…hot or not! haha…tahh

  7. 7 cyma

    as fer the teddies, I like the soft brown-blond ones… jeniffer aniston’s seems to take their inspiration for her highlights… somehow they hve alwez seemed more WARM… 😛

  8. 8 PsycheD

    its amazing how u come up with titles that are so unrelated with the entry -just like sindhis and filipinos. and btw..it’s manila.
    and about the pic…heard of the saying ‘happens only in pak!’

    and @ james mcavoy….i can picture u better as edi amin 😛 (as u initially introduced urself then)

  9. aha! the oriental responds! 😛

  10. 10 SG

    so, u’re trying to say tht ALL “pukhtoonily pathans” are drivers or ALL the drivers are pukhtoonily pathans & irrational?

    and is there ANYthing wrong w/ being a “pukhtoonily pathan”?

  11. 11 cyma

    lol


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