it olympic not politic

17Apr08

as embarassing performances go, this would have taken the cake – not to mention the samosas, chaat and pani puri – had it not been for the fact that my companions managed to make as big if not bigger fools of themselves over the beer. there is also the fact that when paki pride is at stake i can smilingly swallow sweet meat – and no, i’m not talking about sweetmeats. understand the difference.

i haven’t been in a mood to blog since my normally razor sharp wit turned out to be blue 2 rather than mach 3 and lost its edge – a gilette-ian reference my male paki readers will no doubt understand –  but this lunch just had to be blogged about.

over the course of cinematic history, loads of people have watched jackie chan performing. some call him the greatest action-comedian ever while others call him an idiot and yet others call him jai kishan, probably out of some misplaced sense of apnapan after watching the malika sherawat-starring, two-hour waste of projection film. few, if any, have ever referred to him as oscar winning material. but few critics who count have seen both jackie chan performing in the old kung fu movies days and a bunch of chinks drunk at lunch after putting down one too many of foster’s finest brews, which, if they had seen the two things, would definitely lead them to nominate dear ol’ jackie for the lifetime achievment little gold statue.

 chinese people are already interesting enough sober but when drunk, a chinese guy becomes a roller coaster of entertainment. the already incomprehensible accent gets so thick and slurred you cant tell if the poor bloke is talking about the collected works of proust or singing the chatanooga choo choo. the good thing is that unlike their close communist friends, the russian bears, the chinese are cheerful drunks. a russian guy will get more and more serious the more he drinks. a chinese on the other hand gets merrier and merrier the higher he gets. watch and you’ll realise why the british won the opium wars. the poor chinks probably died laughing.

and so no one noticed when i ladled maple syrup on to the roast lamb assuming it was some sort of hot sauce.

_______________________________________________

there was a time, a few years ago, when me and weight were two things so far apart, they weren’t even mentionable in the same sentence unless  it was one of those made-famous-by-borat “naawwt” jokes. and when, during discussions about washed out, incompetent, unmusical musicians it popped out that nadeem jafri is a second cousin, people would burst out laughing because of the discrepancy in size. it was as if kipling had presented kaa the python as colonel hathi’s cousin.

and then fast food happened.

fast forward a few years and suddenly it seems that if a discussion about washed out, incompetent, unmusical musicians were to take place once more and if somehow i were to divulge that embarassing piece of family history again, all i would get would be those oh-so-irritating “i already knew” looks. not that i would ever admit to being a short fat dark balding guy. nopes, no sir. i’m a dashingly dimunitive, opulently corpulent, melanin endowed, follically conservative person. unfortunately, in most people’s books that still reads as little else than nadeem bhai’s wannabe shakespearean cousin.

so when i grudgingly told the good looking dude in the mirror that its time we did something to fit in (vehicles other than humvees which we cannot afford), despite the heartache at the world’s refusal to appreciate all that is gorgeous in good faith; he agreed.

of course when i told the weighter, i mean waiter, that i wanted a diet coke he gave me a look dripping so much sarcasm you could have irrigated the whole of balochistan if it had been water. saala. so what if i had asked for the extra cheese meal to be followed by a double chocolate fantasy?

and then i looked around. and i looked. and i smiled. i am in the land of the naturally obese man and the naturally slim chick. why the hell am i even trying to lose weight? granted, no one wants to look like the cousin of a guy who had a song that went goree zara hil ke dikhana but then by default, i also look like the cousin of one luciano pavarotti, esq. and that is certianly not a bad thing. plus short, balding and fat has a rather churchillian effect to it which my dunhill lights do not quite keep up with but i can’t for the life of me figure out cigars. plus, wasim bhai cigar nahin peetay

_______________________________________________

speaking of wasim bhai, another fast bowler just made the statement of the millenium.

“the movement for my restoration is the biggest after the chief justice.”

shoaib akhtar

 i think sheikh rasheed can safely retire now. we have a suitable rawalpindian replacement for him.

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31 Responses to “it olympic not politic”

  1. yeah. it aint letting me post

  2. a) youve lost your wit
    b) i cannot believe shoaib akhter would say something like that. no wait, i can believe it, but my dignity wont let me
    c) youve lost your wit
    d) thanks for announcing your return you attention wh*r3
    e) your blog is eating up my comments

  3. ‘i think sheikh rasheed can safely retire now. we have a suitable rawalpindian replacement for him.’

    LOLs!

  4. 4 skzworldofdreams

    SURE!!! Start your post with ‘samosas, chat and pani puri’, why don’t you!! 😦 *Sk wants all three of those things. 😦 *
    Moving on.. 😀
    ‘i haven’t been in a mood to blog since my normally razor sharp wit turned out to be blue 2 rather than mach 3’…Bottomline…it’s still a razor..gets the job done. 😉 And no, I am not going to give you the satisfaction by going “Oh! Of course you haven’t lost your wit!” 😀 😛
    lol @ jai kishan!! 😀 O.k…so maybe I will…larke you HAVEN’T lost your wit. Your hair maybe, but not your wit. 😉 😛 Muahahahaha!
    ‘i’m a dashingly dimunitive, opulently corpulent, melanin endowed, follically conservative person.’ Aah! the art of confusing people by using sophisticated words…when actually all you’re sayin’ is “I ain’t that great”. 😀 hahahaha!!!

    Larke you so haven’t lost your razor sharp wit. 🙂

  5. 5 No One

    he gave me a look dripping so much sarcasm you could have irrigated the whole of balochistan if it had been water. saala. so what if i had asked for the extra cheese meal to be followed by a double chocolate fantasy?—-> hahaha funny. peace.

  6. 6 cosmic loneliness

    so finally you blogged.
    I was beginning to get tired.

  7. @ hemlock: yes i’ve lost my wit.

    @ marya & no one: 🙂

    @ bibi: i don’t particularly like pani puri. you can have mine.

    @ cosmic loneliness: if my blog is the only thing that keeps you fresh and perky – you’re probably not a very fresh and perky person. cheers anyway 🙂

  8. 8 skzworldofdreams

    Thank you!! 🙂 I want the samosas and the chat too. 😀
    And you haven’t lost your wit..but you are losing your eye-sight and need better glasses. :/ Larke! I asked about you introducing me to someone!!!!!!!!!! Hmph! Hope you’re keeping a look out. 😀 Warna tumhara kya faida?! 😛

  9. people always give me those strange annoyed look when i am hogging on the cheese and fries ladden food and they r picking on their stringy salads. I wont mind if you would introduce me to someone……warna waqee tum logoon ka kia faida….

  10. 10 skzworldofdreams

    lol! Tanzilla. Eat away! Forget those people looking at you with the ‘I’ve got salad’ look. Frankly a nutritionist once told me here, that people feel that salad is a better and healthier choice than say a pack of fries or burger. But when they top the salad off with all that dressing, which has as many calories as a burger, you might as well eat the burger and fries and enjoy what you’re eating. 😛

  11. 11 skzworldofdreams

    Oye! L’original! Kahan ho?!! 🙂

  12. I believe theres been a case of doubting-our-desi-hero here. Maybe when shoaib akhtar was talking about ‘restoration’ he just meant his hair.. Besides, you cant possibly keep giving out the coveted ‘Sheikh Rasheed Award’ like that! I mean give the man’s poor mother some credit! Who knows, the chinks who love jakie chan mite be the rightful owners of such pride.

    Which reminds me.. Hey! I was right! You did go after the chinese! Lol. [I rest my case]. 😉

    What ppl dont realize about diet pepsi is that its for ppl who are trying to keep off atleast SOME of their calories, and are making an effort rather than for ppl who are already paper thin.

    Thats why you get those glares. Because ppl simply dont get it! Yes i have given up on ordering diet pepsi in public. And yes im also off chocolate fantasies for a while. Ive been hooked to cheese cake instead 😉 Ofcourse with the blue berries on top!

  13. 13 skzworldofdreams

    Cyma: lol!! Cheesecake with blueberries on top. 😀 Now that’s what I call a balanced diet. 😉

  14. 14 cosmic loneliness

    read again, and you will find no such mention of your blog being the SOLE source of entertainment.
    its none of your business anyway.

  15. ouch. looks like i stepped on someone’s tail.

  16. @skzworldofdreams:
    lol. Balanced diet? Hell, Yeah! Hang on salad eaters.. We are gonna put the blue berries where they belong!

    @ xil’s post:
    1. just by the way dont u feel atleast a little happiness for jackie chan? I mean, fosters or not im glad he has some fans. Besides, If malika sherawat and Reema can have fans.. Ahem 😉

    2. As far as Rudyard Kipling goes, i always pictured u as more of a mowgli rather than ka. You know, the skiinny kid with the ridiculous underpants?

    3. I had no idea nadeen jafri had a song titled ‘gori zara hil k dikhana’! What has been high on lately!

    4. What is it about men with dunhil ‘lights’?! Isnt that rather.. Well-On-the-road-to-be-ex-best-friend-ish?? :p

  17. 17 skzworldofdreams

    Cyma: *Hi-5!!* 🙂
    ‘As far as Rudyard Kipling goes, i always pictured u as more of a mowgli rather than ka. You know, the skiinny kid with the ridiculous underpants?’ lol!! lol!! ROFL!!!!! 😀

  18. you guys worry me. all you can think of when you have to identify a kid is his underpants?

    yeh log kab sudhraingay? kab?

  19. to be fair to Walt Disney pictures.. [who happen to have rights for kipling`s jungle book – is it a wonder then y kids these days wont touch books!! ] the kid was only sporting underpants.. tht and disneys famous handsome-when-u-grow-up hair cut.once again- i rest my case.

  20. to be very unfair to iqbal bano [who would probably kill herself if she’s not already dead at hearing these misraas from the ghazal she performed in this context] the only thing i’m going to say is,

    woh baatein teri woh fasanay teray.. fasanay teray
    shagufta, shagufta, bahanay teray… bahanay teray

    and no i don’t know who shagufta is.

    quit skirting the issue bhutto. you watch kids for their underpants. oh the shame, the shame.

  21. 21 skzworldofdreams

    You really like this shagufta ghazal, don’t you frosty? 😉

  22. will you please update?
    this post wasnt funny to begin with.

  23. like i said, and you agreed, i’ve lost it bhutta.

  24. 24 skzworldofdreams

    :/ You have NOT lost it! Stop saying that..the more you say it the more your subconscious mind will believe it and it will become true. :/
    Kya huwa hai, frosty?!

  25. no u havent lost it…if u did sheikh rasheeds mom wud have nowhr else to go! whr wud she turn to in times of weed ;p besides… besides, we ‘xill’erz hav begun to switch our prozac schedules with ure blog now. so dont just sit thr chewing ure second last xtra gum!

  26. no u havent lost it…if u did sheikh rasheeds mom wud have nowhr else to go! whr wud she turn to in times of weed ;p besides… besides, we ‘xill’erz hav begun to switch our prozac schedules with ure blog now. so dont just sit thr chewing ure second last xtra gum!
    DO SOMETHING>>>>

  27. sell your blog to a pathan taxi driver mara.

  28. aao kana mara.. waise b uve dissed more than half the world with ure blog including guetemala… n the rest is just Africa anyway…

  29. what in heck’s name is a mara?

  30. it just occured to me… nadeem jafri is your cousin?
    like seriously?
    well, if you ever run into him again, tell him i said:
    a) he used to be funny,
    b) i used to like him.
    and mara is pushto for “dude!” like… in that movie: “mara! where is my car”


  1. 1 it olympic not politic | Tea Break

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