and that’s why it can’t be tooba siddiqui.


it is no less than a sacrilege that in the same theatre where i was the only one watching a screening of el laberinto del fauno, a masterpiece of cinematic creativity, there was a fullhouse for three days running when they put up something as ridiculously idiotic as tashan. then again, no one can say that tashan wasn’t creative – unless, of course, you don’t think that sultan rahi was asia’s reply to anthony quinn – in which case, maybe a guy who leaps over buildings and slays four thousand policemen without having a weapon, martial arts skills or any sort of claim to superheroism; is maybe pretty damn believable to you.

but, or butt, depending on whether you’re from kashmir or not; maulay noo maula na maray tay maula nahinyo marda – or something to that effect.

of course, that’s not why it can’t be tooba siddiqui.

since this patch in the purple patch of my very purple life is actually a lavenderishly pale lilac – and also because i am gradually transmorphing into a procrastinating workaholic, if there is such a thing  – i have been contributing less to the cyber equivalent of the completed works of, well, omar sharif than i normally did in the past.

[ok i know this way off topic, but do you realise that venezuela has only 0.4 % of the world’s population but 9.6% of the former miss worlds? – small wonder then that bush has designs on venezuela, he did succeed clinton after all. tharkee…]

but of course that has nothing to do with tooba siddiqui either. and neither does the narrative i am about to relate. i just thought it’d be cooler to start a post with a  reference to tooba siddiqui. somehow, i get the feeling that i’ve got the name of the supermodel right but i may very well be wrong. but that has hardly fazed me before.

back when i was a kid, kids had it pretty good. there was no social pressure to conform with all that is cool in the world, like ipods, iphones, beemers and tooba siddiqui type girlfriends. the ipod equivalents were huge boomboxes which skinny teens with dreadlocks used to place on their funky ’82 corollas and breakdance to on the footpaths. iphones were calling cards to be used in phonebooths, beemers were for yuppies and if you had a girlfriend like tooba siddiqui you’d be a perverted pedophile ‘coz she wes still in preschool. so nice were those days, that a guy could walk into a funeral or a wedding in the same clothes – and if you’re not a desi you will never understand the significance of that last statement. unfortunately, even though the clock does stop at 12, thats actually a different 12 from the one it set out from. and so as time has passed us by, boomboxes have become a distinctly makrani concept, ’82 corollas have been relegated to jamshoro and breakdancing to jamaica. phonebooth is the name of an old colin farrell movie and tooba siddiqui is probably the only damn thing thats improved a bit.

bottom line: if you were a kid in the eighties, you better not be wearing the same outfit to weddings that you do to funerals.

no sir. now you get invitations to office dinners which have themes and dress codes and very serious invitations to bring spouse(s) and/or partner(s). stuff like “oscar theme” and “black tie only”. if i hadn’t been ubercool and sophisticated, the first thing that would have come to your mind would be jan rambo in raju ban gaya gentleman. but of course, me being me, you’re probably imagining a dashing ryan philippe type in a tuxedo. and therein lies the problem. the tux. as i tried to explain, “behnji, i am being a pakistani. in my muluk waiters are wearing tuxedos. and if i am wearing narmal blake suit with lang tiee i am being look like ali ahmed kurd. i not know which worse.” unfortunately you can’t explain that to anyone. so you reconcile yourself to wearing a combination that would either get you beaten up in karachi or give you an opportunity to beat up sher afgan in mianwali (and they say all pakistanis are the same. sheesh.). the other problem is a tad harder to solve.

in almost 27 years of existence, i have not been able to secure one spouse, let alone spouse(s) and lets not even go near and/or partner(s). so how precisely does one make an impact at a party like this. does one rent a hummer limo and two russian escorts (one for each arm) or does one play the astaghfirullah card and go in loudly proclaiming la haula.. every time someone offers a drink? the horns of a dileema have never been such a battleground before. while we’re on that note, has anyone ever seen a dilemma? is it a fourlegged creature or a two legged one? is it like an antelope or a horned toad? and how many horns are there anyway? sometimes english terms are so bloody obscure.

i have decided to not go in for the russian escorts. not because russians aren’t nice but i don’t like the name natasha (which is why natasha hussain has never featured on my blog) and if there are going to be two six foot tall russians you can bet your bmw that one of them is going to be called natasha. either that or boris. but i don’t swing that way and showing up with boris and olaf isn’t exactly the statement i’d like to make. so its not russians, iman ali’s got other commitments and for some worrying reason, giselle’s not answering the phone. which leaves me short of a date. ki karaan?  the silver lining on this cloud is obviously that i won’t be in a position where i might have to end up dancing. not that i’ve got any worries on that front – after all i learnt from the same guy who taught michael jackson, prabhu deva and hasan jehangir – ok from the guy who taught hasan jehangir – but i don’t want to show up the other guys in front of their spouse(s) and/or partner(s).

and so, as a sacrifice for the manly pride of the many many men who’ll be there, i’m going alone. just me and myself and no freaking irene. so sorry tooba, some other time.

sometimes i think i’m going insane. and then i think, yeah? so freaking what?


36 Responses to “and that’s why it can’t be tooba siddiqui.”

  1. 1 Saira

    I just HAD to add the following to my quote list:

    “ok i know this way off topic, but do you realise that venezuela has only 0.4 % of the world’s population but 9.6% of the former miss worlds? – small wonder then that bush has designs on venezuela, he did succeed clinton after all. tharkee..”

    he he he

  2. 2 knicq

    You are HILARIOUS!

    And I knew something was terribly right about Venenzuela, and it wasn’t just this ex-colleague of mine who married a local dude and still continued to win the employee of the month awards… they ain’t just gorgeous.

    Now when you put the stats up like this – I am accepting that invitation from Hugo!

  3. 3 Raza

    You got the ranting gene alright!

  4. hey man,

    have to agree with all the chamar’s here. you write well and your imagination translating to words is rather natural it seems. i envy your writing capabilities and how easily you take two different contextual scenario’s and blend them together. cool, good to know you’re writing again as well.

  5. by the way, when you wrote about boris, instinctually i read that as “bohri’s” and for a few minutes there i was a bit confused and rather weirded out.

  6. by the way, when you wrote about boris, instinctually i read that as “bohri’s” and for a few minutes there i was a bit confused and rather weirded out.

  7. 7 umarah

    and the other russian would be maria for sure.or the second guess is natalia.but whatever. you are not taking any girl which is a shame.have you ever wondered why there isnt any one in your life.(hint,i am giving you some blog material though you never asked for it;)

    btw loved the post.

  8. whotf is tooba siddiqui? everytime i come to your blog, i hear about some new chick…

    anyways you arrogant snob of a showoff… el laberinto del fauno a.k.a pan’s labyrinth… was a piece of what…? it is, by far, probably the darkest movie i have ever seen… incidently, i ALSO watched it in an empty cinema, (and i HAVENT watched tashan)… but youve GOT to be kidding me… this movie was dark, and depressing, and in comparison to pan’s labyrinth, Hannibal and Eastern Promises seem like disney productions.
    from the moment the movie came on, i had my eyes covered and was cringing and grinding my teeth and praying for it to be over. the reason i didnt walk out was because i had a friend with me who thought it was… “a masterpiece of cinematic creativity…”

    and guess what genius. natasha hussain just featured on your blog 😀

  9. tight post man! Wese i think Nadia Hussain has better goods than Tooba, haina?! 😉

    and there are 3 or 4 women to every man in this world! Sharam karo, aik to kum-us-kum honi chaheye banday kay paas… :p

  10. 10 skzworldofdreams

    ‘and guess what genius. natasha hussain just featured on your blog’. 😀 lol! That’s the first thing that came to my mind as well. 😀 *hi-5, hem!*
    Farooq: ‘Goods’?? ;/ O.k..PATHETIC!!!

  11. @SK
    yeh between the boys baat hai, aap kyon tang ara rahein hain khatoon :p

  12. 12 skzworldofdreams

    ‘Ara rahein hain?’ 😛 😀 Want me to explain what’s wrong with that sentence? 😀
    And WHAT is lmao? If you’re trying to spell your name its spelt LAME-O. 😀

  13. @ saira: by all means do. i’m a sucker for that kinda thing. 🙂

    @ knicq: remind him that i’ll be accompanying you…

    @ raza: its not so much a gene as a virus.

    @ halai: i know you didn’t say it but i’m splitting my sides trying to imagine a bohri boris. boris ali ivan ali vodkawala… now there’s an idea for a novel if there ever was one 🙂

    @ umarah: that is the one subject i’d rather not delve upon 🙂

    @ hemlock: woman, the only good thing about you is your taste in friends 😎

    @ farooqk: astaghfirullah! i only like tooba for her brains, her personality, her wit and other miscellaneous intangible things. of course, nadia hussain’s got all that and more… 😉

    @ bibi: lmao = laughing my ass off.

  14. @Xill

    Dude, women and brains, when did those come together?! haha


    you dont even have to ask, bata do kia ghaltee hai mere sentence main, not that anybody’s going to read such a boring response anyways!haha
    and i might have come acroos a certain blogger woman whose name can be spelt as follows:

  15. 15 UTP

    I dont know how many times I have said this here….but dude….you take the cake…once again…take the cake…

    btw….got a new blog address….please update blogroll….thx

  16. 16 Shiza


  17. 17 SK

    farooq: ‘Dude, women and brains, when did those come together?!’..DUDE unlike you, Xil is man enough to appreciate women for their brains…how? Coz he has brains of his own and recognizes them when he sees ’em in others….which is more than I can say for SOME people out there! PLUS – he has moi for a friend…and he soooooooo better appreciate the fact that women have brains…and he does…hence he is a friend. Khaali khopri mein kuch baat aee??!! :/
    Cute. But if the blogger woman is moi then you spelt that wrong again. My name is spelt b-r-i-l-l-i-a-n-t. 😀

  18. hahaha apnay moon mian mithoo :p

  19. 19 skzworldofdreams

    😉 As my daughter said once (copying me of course 😀 ) ‘Aaj ki Aurat!’ 😉
    Xil: Oh! Okkkeeyyy. Thanks. 🙂

  20. haha smartass

  21. 21 skzworldofdreams

    Uh uh! I see you’re a slow learner.That’s B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T. Repeat 10 times a day for the next, umm, 60 days and I bet you’ll get the hang of the first 3 alphabets by then atleast. 😉

  22. haha ziyada hogaya

  23. lol

    xill, where r u :p

    my ‘interlude’ is over too

  24. 24 silentmantra

    all that imanize thingi then was understandable….but tooba???? whyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????????? and howwwwwwwwww???????? pls do take umarah’s blog topic…u are soo capable of a masterpiece on that one!

    u forgot abt olga and oxana 🙂
    and u actually researched the venezuelan data base eh?

  25. ha ha
    THat was such a good post..
    You write so well!

  26. @ under trial prisoner: done. 🙂

    @ shiza: 🙂

    @ cyma: and its begun again….

    @ mantis: what’s wrong with tooba? she’s a darn sight better than that neha person anyway…:P

    @ raza sahib: thanks 🙂

  27. 27 tooba siddiqui

    wowwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!first of aLL i just want to say u write really well bt using my name to get attention huney;)i am sure u can do better then that …u have the skills and i am sure u will u will make it big and dont need a TOOBA SIDDIQUI IN YR LIFE u will get better ……anyways i thought it was hilarious hahahaha cheers i will probably be checking wid u again….cheers

  28. @sk

    Khatoon, was that for tooba or for abbas?
    It better not be for Tooba, ud have to have immensely bad taste to say that! 😛

  29. 29 aliya

    Interestingly enough every time I read your blog you inspire a multiverse of thoughts in me…:) ……..good work!!! Now if only i can get Russel Crowe to read something I write about him…

  30. 30 pixy

    i didnt ve much time to read the whole blog and comments but reading tooba’s name just wanted to commented tht actress/model tooba is realy disgusting luking once saw her without makeup she realy terrified acc to me she wears atleast 10 kilo of makeup to luk like a normal humanbeing.

  31. 31 pixy

    i read in tooba’s profile tht she’s single nothing shocking bcoz girls like u jo shakal se hi 2 number lagti hain kamazkam koi sharif insan to unse commited nh hona chahega

  32. and the way you think about women, viz. arbitrarily assigning tags of “2 number” and such shit, highlights exactly why you cannot be considered to be what you so eloquently call “sharif”.

    not that sharifs have had a very sharif image in pakistan, but you get my drift.

    the next time you comment on this blog please ensure that your comment complies with accepted norms of decency and civilised behaviour.

  33. 33 skzworldofdreams

    *SK gives Xil a standing ovation* 🙂

  34. it has been said that a nation that does not appreciate Tooba’s beauty is one inevitably heading towards destruction! 😀

  35. Solid post. dude!

  1. 1 and that’s why it can’t be tooba siddiqui. | Tea Break

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