sir jee, tusee to great ho.


be careful what you wish for. it might just…

millions of years ago when dinosaurs roamed the earth and the ice age meant there was a market for gas heaters in sibi and jacobabad; the tectonic plates had not shifted all that much and punjab was still a part of mongolia. the region was socially far more progressive than the rets of the world and the dinosaurs over there established the first democracy known in our galaxy. they elected, time and again, the same species to rule them – parasitic beings known as the sharifosaurus rex, the species ruled over their part of mongolia with iron fists and bald heads and the wierd habit of rolling to and fro from one side to another similar to the earthen utensil the dinosaurs used to store water, the lotasaurus. their rule was characterized by the increasing enrichment of themselves and all who pandered to and claimed to worship the sharifosauruses. a typical dinosaur in their government would talk on and on about how beautiful the hair on the sahrifosauruses bald heads was, how slim their paunches looked, how wise they were in their oppositon to the wellbeing of any region other than their own but most of all about how brave they were to oppose the largely benign militarosauruses who once usurped their power by way of a bloodless coup.

scientists today often try to unlock the magical dna of those times and unravel the mysteries of why the dinosaurs really died. they don’t realise that they didn’t. they evolved into members of the punjab provincial assembly. dawn reported the other day on the crap that goes on in that hallowed hall of democracy.

and you guys ask me why i support dictatorships.


now i am no stanger to flattery myself. not because i have somehow been set as default choice for chief minister by the voting public of cheechookimallian – yes, thats a name of a punjabi constituency as are changa manga and toba tek singh, and no they have nothing on some of the more colourful karachi place names like chacha chachi park, unda morh and do-minute chowrangi – and definitely not because i have a born again scalpful of hair but because i’m supposedly some sort of comic relief in the dreary soap opera that is the pakistani blogosphere.  and yes that was an unncessarily long sentence. so sue me. anyways, i have been begged (ok i’m getting carried away by the bored “update already” messages i occasionally receive) often enough to write more regularly but the fact that really amuses me is that people often tell me i should write a novel. thats like asking the mayonnaise-ladling-guy at mickey d’s to cook a seven course meal because he occasionally causes (probably accidentally) the creation of a half decent burger.

but if i could write, and indeed if i had fifteen computers fitted in my body (ten in my fingers, two each in eyes and ears and one in my tongue) – not to mention the “uncountable” – interesting choice of words from the pakistan’s largest selling english daily, shouldn’t it have been “countless”? i mean this is a translation right? – ones in my mind; i would definitely consider writing a novel. it would be like becoming chief minister of the blogosphere or at least railways minister.

but therein lies the problem. not the computer bit, i’ve got that covered; i’m talking about the topic. if i really were to write a novel, given my supremely senseless rambling style, what would i write about? the case can be made for an autobiography, after all, the world swoons at my feet and is just dying to know more about the man behind the megahunk, about how i rose to greatness from whatever i used to be, the “streetlights ke neechay baith ker parhta tha” routine and all that jazz, but i somehow feel i’m too young to write my memoirs just yet – not because nothing’s happened yet but because there’s so much left to happen.

i could also write some great art mystery involving sadequain’s calligraphic ceiling at frere hall and an albino tableeghi type and a great conspiracy stretching to the higher echelons of the leadership at jamia hafsa – but someones ripped off that idea already and adapted it to a western market paradigm. or maybe, i could write about this kid who goes to a cadet college in hyderabad, learns magic and reinvents himself as an i-really-care-for-my-country type after earning the ten percent nickname using help from his graduating class of witches and wizards. or i could do a legal thriller – one about an unimportant judge being summarily removed and a movement that results in a two year long standstill of already overloaded dockets while innocent people await trial in jails and how the economy can only be set right if a now-totally-polarised judge gets back his seat as head of the “sanctify me i got you back” courts in islamabad. or maybe i could write a clancy type thriller about a siege in parachinar where  militants surround a locality and a sectarian war wages while the zia-ist military operatives stand by watching hoping for an outcome that favours their particular religious beliefs. or i could write a khalid hussaini type drama about a woman who was gangraped beacause her 12 year old brother allegedly seduced a 21 year old woman and how the government thinks she’s using her personal tragedy as a marketing tool simply becuase she fought back. or maybe…

ho hum. lots of possibilities for a pakistani writer, eh?

the only reason i don’t write that much any more is that i only know how to write humour. and trust me, life sure ain’t funny.


25 Responses to “sir jee, tusee to great ho.”

  1. Dictatorships kick ass.
    You could write a book about yourself, and then publicly announce that youre gay. Socho, American passport aur koee million dollar publishing deal to pakki! And all that fame, you could be Oprah or that other show on CNN. If not, im sure youd at least make it to Jerry Springer.
    Gay Pakis would worship you, Begum Nawazish would leave Meera for you or vice versa, and Ahmedinejad would argue that you do not exist… Now wouldnt that be a life worth living?!

  2. i dont think you should write anything… except perhaps prescriptions. you should write prescriptions.
    other than that, fatherosaurus of the sharifosaurus is teh rehmatullah allaih. did you see the dawn story?
    dear god.

    when people ask you to update, they are just being polite. no one REALLY means it.

  3. just because u have a born again scalpful of hair (n i so do not blv that :P), u think u r gonna get away with writing a book too? uffffff khushfemiyo ki kuch hadd hei ke nai 😛

    on second thought.. u and begum nawazish hmmm niiiiiiice, or u and how about a iman ali with her soon to arrive ‘patterns of baldness’.. 😉

    like farooq said.. socho!

  4. iman ali looks so yummy 🙂

  5. in an aesthetic sense that is 😛

  6. @ farooqk: i would have responded, but like ahmedinejad, i do not believe you exist… 😛

    @ hemlock: prescriptions… swallow thirteen teaspoons of plaster of paris once every day and twice on all days that are not sunday. it will cure you. trust me.

    @ mona: said my biggest (and more importantly, self-admitted) fan… 😎 😛

  7. 7 marya

    the evolution of punjab provincial history sounds interesting 😛

  8. 8 UTP

    all i can say is “Tussee great ho…sir jee…”

  9. so the biggest ( i didnt tell u, u snooped around, u cheater :p) fan gets a mention in the book, right? 😀

  10. @Xil

    Haha now there’s no need to act like a smartass 😛

  11. Your humour is brilliant, truly unmatchable anywhere around the blogosphere (or outside). Only problem with your blog is the inane comments.

  12. You are certainly not short on ideas for a few books – it might just be worth a shot to try a couple out. Urdu mohavra tells us any two shots with one teer are a good thing – unless of course you can be a saat maar khan or tees maar khan.

    By the way Yousufi says that the Khilafat movement back in the early half of the 20th century had to be one of the most futile and lost causes ever, and yet it had mobilized the Muslims of India like no other movement did. Perhaps, in the movement to restore the chief justice we have stumbled upon our century’s answer to the khilafat movement. Now that thought alone is enough to keep them – our fellow countrymen – mobilized for another couple of years. Lets just forget I said that. 🙂

    Great to see you updating once again. I will take the lead this time in imploring you to update already!

  13. nice mindwork,
    sir jee tusse to great ho
    aap ki punjabi main gur bur hai ya it is by mistaken bcz koi sense nahin banti.
    i think it should be
    sir jee tusse tey great ho
    sir jee tusse v great ho

  14. 14 cyma

    even though I do believe the military shud be left to fight wars and not try to get into something they know nothing about – POLITICS (albeit Pakistani politics :p); I am soooooo relieved that someone understands why a totally polarised judge can no longer be “ba_haaled”! for goodness sake! wht does it take to put some sense into peoples heads!

    as fer ure writing a novel… yar twice I’ve begun writing books of my own – but hell yeah I don’t possess the conviction and concentration required to write an entire book! so I’m sticking to tv scripts. :p

  15. Womankind – Giving man hell since 00 BC 😛

  16. 16 skzworldofdreams

    Well I do appreciate you calling me kind..yes I am..very very kind. But regarding the hell part…man buys his own place in hell voluntarily everyday…trust me. 😛

  17. riiigght, keep going *plugs ears, or eyes in this case (which need not be plugged since they can be shut)* 😛

  18. 18 SK

    ‘eyes in this case (which need not be plugged since they can be shut)* ‘ ROFL ROFL!!! And of course you had to explain that thinking eyes can be shut thingy in detail, thinking our thinking ability is as limited as yours!!! 😉 😀

  19. woh kya parhtey hain to shaitaan ghayab ho jata hai?? 😛

  20. 20 SK

    Pata nahin..abhi tak tum to ghayab nahin hoye. 😛

  21. khatoon main to insaan hoon, aap hongi ghayab shayab! :p

  22. I’ve been told that you’re funny.

    Sometimes I think you are. Other times I wonder why you’re trying so very hard.

    Is it because of the … comments?

  23. @ mahwash: i’ve been told that i’m funny. i’ve also been told that i’m not. its less fun when i’m not. so i try. so did seinfeld. comments have little or nothing to do with it.

  24. Hello! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give
    a quick shout out and say I truly enjoy reading your posts.
    Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that cover the same topics?
    Many thanks!

  1. 1 sir jee, tusee to great ho. | Tea Break

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