scene no. 876 (a comedy called life)


i’ve never been to jamaica.

not in the physical sense anyway. but if i had, i would expect to run into a bunch of people with dreadlocks, boomboxes on their shoulders, jigging it up to sean paul’s finest on the streets. or another bunch of people, also with dreadlocks or braids in a low rider, smoking weed as marley croons on the stereo. or a bunch of tall, terrifying behemoths bowling bouncers at each other on the city streets. or even taller and more terrifying behemoths shooting hoops in someone’s backyard.

i would not expect to run into shazia khushk singing moto tillay rana or whatever that song is.

i’m sure there are others who feel the same way. but the god of destiny is probably a guy ritchie fan. which is why at 2:23 am yesterday, while peaceably eating cupcakes and drinking al marai apple juice on the bonnet of somebody else’s mazda 6, my friend and i were accosted by this white boy and a whiter-than-him arab boy who were obviously high on the same opiates that marilyn manson’s mom took when she was expecting him. they were tolerably normal while they asked my friend if they could borrow his lighter but the fun began when they saw my “karachi rocks” shirt.

arab manson: dude (that’s me), it totally does!

me (cluelessly): what does?

arab manson: car-aachi!

me (beaming): yeah it does really!

arab manson: yeah dude. i know lots of you pakistanians and they’re all like totally rockin’. metal rules the world!

me (clueless again): uh.. who?

arab manson: metal man! (flashes a devil or whatever that two fingers down two fingers up sign is supposed to represent) you guys have a real music scene right?!

me (realisation dawning): uh yeah! like totally.

white manson: you guys are so lucky. the music scene here totally sucks now…

(fifteen minute lecture by both guys in tandem on the evolution of metal in the emirates and the sorry state of affairs that arab manson is no longer playing ‘coz he now studies in canada)

my friend (as i cringe): yeah. i listen to a lot of metal. metallica, nirvana, pearl jam, backstreet boys…

arab manson (apparently not noticing): what do you listen to? i mean your influences.

me: oh i’m more into the pakistani scene..

white manson: which is?

me: uh basically indie-metal-jazz-asian fusion. mainly sufi classic death metal. you must have heard the steve vai/arif lohar/rammstein collaboration album. most of my own compositions are based on it..

both of the mansons: YOU PLAY TOO?!! way cool, dude. (another 15 minute rambling lecture on how the inner music always defeats the cramping cloak of the fake world)

the paki guys: yeah, yeah, totally, like totally dude, aint that the truth, etc etc

the thing could have continued all night. but we had work the next day. so when they were totally convinced that i am a percussionist who plays the bass dhol to lyrics inspired by the works of omar khayyam, kahlil gibran and badar muneer; and had celebrated the diversity of metal genres from multan to michigan by clinking their barbicans with our al marai’s we sort of said goodbye and let them leave.

there is a sweet ecstasy in defrauding innocent fools. after a very long time, i feel alive. yeah baby yeah!


22 Responses to “scene no. 876 (a comedy called life)”

  1. LOL! abbas, you “defrauded” a guy who was very obviously stoned. im not sure that requires too much talent (and as i say that, please note im not taking nothin away from yo “genius”). but really, you fooled someone who was a fool to begin with… FOOL!

    also, you wear shirts saying karachi rocks? LOL… HAHAHA… *dies*

  2. Marylin Manson called, he wants his T-shirt back.

  3. the paki metal scene has fallen down the great well of commercialism. The few metal concerts they have these days are a disappointment, the vocalist cant hear himself cause there arent any monitors, theres always something wrong with the leads and you cant hear one instrument or the other,…

    uae is so full of wannabes, it gets depressing. But then again, there are loads of lebanese chicks to lift one’s spirit! šŸ˜‰

  4. a tee with karachi rox on it! cool šŸ˜€

  5. 5 cymarizwankhan

    waise i coudnt help but notice, cupcakes and apple juice? šŸ˜› Arent you a sweetheart!

  6. And he believed you?

    Do people turn stupid the moment they land into George Bush’s territory?

  7. @ hemlock: i was looking for one which says “lahore sucks” but you know how karachiites are too polite to state the obvious… and before you start – remember you need people for the friday thing.

    @ cyma: and whats wrong with cupcakes?

    @ farooq: dude, with all due respect, you’ve got to stop gushing about how hot girls are or you’ll never get any. not that you will if you stop, but then at least you’ll be the cool guy (like me šŸ˜Ž ) and not the thirteen year old outside a lingerie store. no offence meant šŸ™‚

    @ red soul: and if you go by what cyma says, marilyn manson also wears one! šŸ™‚

    @ mahwash: in his defense, he was probably pretty stupid to start off…

  8. nothing wrong with the cupcakes i assure you! Tell me, where there little strawberries in them :p

  9. @t-shirt comment
    Yes he does. I checked when I was practicing a mime with him.
    What! You get to be a percussionist in a metal band and make songs on badar muneers spiritual lyrics and I cant date marylin manson! šŸ˜› wherez the fun in that!

  10. strawberries???! khuda ka khauf ker yaar!

  11. roflmao!
    Now dont tell me therez something inherently wrong about strawberries… šŸ˜›

  12. haha i contemplated on my ‘gushing’ actions long before i went through with them. You see, hot chicks dont read, they cant read, they dont think, it hurts them! For this very reason they dont blog, since they dont blog they wouldnt know what i think of them. I can be my hypocritical self everywhere else, but its pretty safe to go about ‘gushing’ here, dont you think?! šŸ˜‰

    and im not the 13 yr old who stands outside the lingerie store, im the 16 yr old who gets a summer job therein šŸ˜›

  13. right. so you have to wear a shirt that states a “truth” which must be repeated mechanically and often enough for it to be believed.
    the proper name for that i believe is propaganda… but hey, what does little old me know.

    and umm… im not sure you can partake in our “event”. it involves running and some form of agility =P

  14. 14 silentmantra

    šŸ˜€ either i’ll leave a very long comment – punctuated with a lot of hahahas and lols…..or i’ll i’ll just rely on a šŸ˜€ to my appreciation for this post. so… šŸ˜€

  15. whats the challenge in taking down the obviously stoned kids?

  16. @ hemlock: well that rules me out then šŸ™‚

  17. Good God Almighty! It’s been a while since I laughed so hard.

    [quote]sufi classic death metal[unquote] LMAO!

  18. hey, your friend farooqk has obviously never heard of me!

  19. 19 Yasmine

    Lol. What the hell is Karachi?

    I think your blog is such a brain candy and that you have a great sense of writing.


  20. lolz…
    wtf? how come they r so damn idiots? i have had experience with arabs and yeah they r stupids really but that was too much… they must be high… šŸ˜€

  21. @ saad: ah yes that was a classic if i do say so myself šŸ™‚

    @ sabizak: aye haye! khushfehmi! šŸ˜›

    @ yasmine: thanks for the compliments about the blog. karachi is only the greatest city in the world. thats all.

    @ afaque: that appears to be the consensus…

  22. what in heck is wrong with eating cupcakes?

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