the problems associated with being so hot…


if i were just average looking, that truly would have been enough.

but then, as paresh rawal would no doubt tell you, dainay wala jub bhi daita daita chhapar phaar ke. and so i’m saddled with these unbelievably good looks. yes you read that right. i used the term saddled. as if it were a problem. because it is. now you guys probably wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, shriek (or die of embarassment depending on how you handle stress) and run to the washroom to clean up and try to look more tolerable so that you aren’t saddled with a pg-13 rating by the motion picture association of america. don’t fret about it. its normal.

however, you guys obviously aren’t accosted by papparazzi or wild fans or teenaged girls. women don’t swoon at your feet. people don’t offer to come up to the bar and offer to pay for your drink (red bull, diet coke or orange juice). cute kids don’t come up running asking for autographs. stalkers don’t follow you home. crazed junkies don’t o.d. outside your mansion grounds.  bollywood actresses don’t claim you promised to marry them. barbers don’t promise customers they’ll make their hair look just like yours. brand names don’t come up asking for endorsements. it’s not an animal rights issue if you run over a rabbit on the highway. bun kabab walas don’t use your picture on their menus. the guys at rainbow centre don’t release cds with you on the cover and dance mixes on the inside. you can shop for groceries without being mobbed…

… or at least without someone coming up and saying unday unday narilinday. or something to that effect.

fate has decreed that every idiotic fool on the planet – or at least every keralite on it – want’s to jorofy some rishta with me. admittedly, i have dark skin. my hair, or whats left of it, is wavy and black with heavy streaks of silver. i have weak eyes and some facial hair. well so does denzel washington for christ’s sake! why don’t you go and assume he’s from the coast of malabar?! i mean i was pretty chill with the “prince of makran” title that’s been saddled with me since high school – i mean they are my pakistani bhais – and i can pronounce their names too. but how can any (or every) damn unnikrishnan, shivaramchandran or laxmibalakrishnan assume that i have even remote ties to that state? especially after they’ve heard me speaking in urdu.

but as the saying goes, zaruurat eejad ki maa hai and frankly eejad ki maa ki … i now use the same formula i always have.

so like i’m at the counter and ask the dude how much i owe him.

him: inna binna taarilinnay
me: huh?
him: inna binna taarilinnay
me: chinga minga jhaarilinnay
him: huh?
me: chinga minga jhaarilinnay
him: sorry?
me (muttering while handing him a hundred dirham note): bloody fool can’t speak malayali
him: you speaking malayali, sir?
me: yes
him: but that is not malayali
me: neither am i
him: then why you speak it
me: i thought you said i didn’t
him: no, but, you said..
me: so you understood it?
him: no but..
me: so you don’t speak malayali?
him: yes but
me (getting loud): you speak it but you don’t understand it? what kind of response is that? are you making fun of me and my language?
him: no sir but you..
me (taking the change and leaving): you better be careful. next time i’ll report you.

and so on so forth. if i’m going to be the new mallu i’m damn well making sure the others aren’t called mallus any more.


29 Responses to “the problems associated with being so hot…”

  1. abbas, i am SO SO sorry. *dies laughing*
    i promise i will never call you mallu again. i swear. i’ll let the mallus do it…
    *dies laughing, again*
    (that’s me dying over you, twice; how’s that for fan adoration)

  2. also, want’s to jorofy some rishta with me
    why is there an appostrophy in wants?

  3. LOL.

    I think i have a cramp from laughing so hard. Well written!

  4. 4 Mystic

    i started reading and thought there he goes again..and then i reached:

    “… or at least without someone coming up and saying unday unday narilinday. or something to that effect.”

    and literally rolled over laughing!!!

    i feel so so sorry for u!

  5. 5 none

    eejad ki maa ki …. double check for any blood relations before that.

  6. Aw, poor Malbaris. 😦

  7. hahahahahahahahah. Man your posts have me rolling on the floor hahahahahahahahah…..

  8. @ hemlock: do you object to the apostrophe or to other people attempting to jorofy rishtas?

    @ specs: 🙂

    @ mystic: its better than getting stoned for doing god knows what with the lights on… 😛

    @ none: err… ok.

    @ owl: you’re sympathizing with THEM?!

    @ ali: 🙂

  9. 9 knicq

    It had been ages since I had laughed this hard reading a blog post. Or anything not written by Yousufi or Wodehouse.

    I am so sorry. I completely sympathize with you, especially since out of the four thousand sales calls I must have made in my professional career, four thousand have begun with a variant of this conversation:

    Me: “Mr. Unnikrishnan Subramanyam Velayakattum Kutti?”
    Him: Nods Sheepishly. (Not many people get all of his first name right…)
    Me: (Extending hand) I had called for an appointment…
    Him: (Shaking hands and pointing towards the chair, smiling) Inde Malayali?
    Me: ”Ille…”
    Him: (Smile vanishes) “Ah, you look Malayali only…”
    Me: I am Somali…
    Him: (Looks disbelievingly at my girth), ” Karivattam undana payoolRi hate’ddam Malayalis proud Illa” (Translation: I hate Malayalis who are ashamed to admit their true identity).

  10. WHAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… what did you have a doze of ultra power packed humor medication??? BRILLIANT!

  11. 11 Mystic

    lol! trust me, its not..atleast i got something out of it 😉

  12. @ knicq: 😀 you just made my day man. 🙂

    @ seher: thanks 🙂

    @ mystic: you’d be singing a different song if a mutual acquaintance only 4 feet tall had thrown the stone. bilaaaal…. 😛

  13. 13 Mystic

    lol..i can laugh but that was a low blow that just made me taste my morning waffles again! blech!

  14. lol! lol!!! I was gonna just say “…the problems associated with being hot..” “….have never been abbas’s..” 😀 But I see that’s not the case with you in Dubai!! A simple “I don’t speak malayali might have sufficed, nahin? 🙂

  15. @ bibi: nahin. 🙂

  16. 16 Pinky

    if blogs could kill, i would have been a bloody corpse by now……
    but thank God that u r not a girl….in that case even ur own family would have joined in tut-tuting…”Kon shaadi karay ga is se, rishta kahan se aye ga bechari ka” blah blah….

  17. hahaha good one, mine encounter is usually people asking which part of India are u from. and m like What the hell cant u see there r other stuff too written on my face except for me looking like an Indian :O.

  18. rofl rofl !! 😀 nice one 😀

  19. If you think Mallus have the weirdest and longest names, try Sri Lankans. I wonder how their children learn to spell names that long.

    By standards of Mallu hotness, have you ever been called Rajni Kant?

  20. strictly speaking, i think that dude is tallu not mallu. in any case, my facial hair is more van dyke than vasundar das if you follow my drift.


    Read this Abbas mian, We will decide the mode of payment at some other time! 🙂

  22. 22 Zeenat

    Good show!!

    I recently started a blog of mine. I would love it if you would add me to your blog roll and vice verse.

  23. The problem with being so hot is you can’t free of your adoring Malabari fans long enough to write a new blog. Terrible.

  24. 24 skzworldofdreams

    lol!lol!!! I like Owl. 😀

  25. didnt i ever leave a comment here on this post? :S

    i think i was too busy laughing :p

  26. ubdate yar.

  27. @ shine87: dude, i’m flattered. 🙂

    @ owl: yes, that is at least partly the case…

    @ bibi: yeah yeah, you would… 😛

    @ bohemian: i did 🙂

  28. hilarious!..I’ll keep this in mind the next time some one assumes I am Hispanic ! 😛

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