teri meethi baatein…

13Jan09

there are, among those who are in the loop, certain standards by which life is meant to be led. certain things that have to be accomplished before they die, appearances to be maintained, compliments to be received, etc etc. and these are all things of quality, which, when mentioned to educated, knowing audiences, inspire oohs and aahs of approval, nods recognizing a similarly ambitious soul and a general concurrence on the sanity of the individual.

if i was ever in the loop, i swear no one told me.

so my list of things to do before i die has a piddling three things on it, none of which i am ever likely to accomplish, viz. scoring a six off glenn mcgrath via a reverse sweep; winning a game of pool left-handed; and throwing a water balloon at sheikh rasheed’s face.

if that weren’t enough to throw reasonable doubt on my sanity, what is likely to have me straitjacketed in today’s world of psychotic dieters and ever spreading vegans is my unabashed and unfettered love for cholesterol. to further damn myself after admitting to this obviously cardinal sin, is my unabashed and unfettered hate for exercise. you’d think that if it was really all that important they’d at least make it easy to spell. but there comes a time in every man’s life when he decides that he really wants to get back in that pair of jeans which he has so lovingly folded and stored in his closet. and so, much as it my hurt him to do so, he has to either snub the cholesterol or dabble in exercise or both. now it is no secret that if pushed – or even if merely patted on the back – to choose between a chicken tikka and boiled broccoli i’d choose the tikka any day of the week. it is also no secret that i have attempted more or less everything that wasim bhai has been seen doing in public including bowling no-balls, swearing at teammates, faking an accent and voluntarily giving autographs (and yes, i only really came into my own when i attempted the swearing at teammates part). so i put on my thinking cap which incidentally turned out to be the hood on my er… hoodie and wondered exactly what he did that i don’t do and it hit me. he gave stupid answers to pretty legitimate questions while jogging around a park. and so i lifted myself up and placed myself on the corniche all set to tell anyone who asked me whereΒ  the nearest atm is that i don’t smoke. unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. you cannot be sitting on a bench and have people come up to you and ask if you don’t get tired because by sitting on the bench you, for some reason i haven’t figured out yet, give rise to the perception that you do get tired. you have to actually do the jogging bit that wasim bhai did so famously back in those days in lahore.

and so i started jogging a couple of weeks ago.

this might’ve been an achievement if i actually managed to do it without sounding like a battalion of dobermen catching their breath after running up a hill. or if i managed to cover two hundred meters without looking like the hero’s sidekick in a punjabi flick who has been shot 38 times in the gut and still makes it across half of cholistan only to die at the hero’s house before telling him who shot him. or if i managed to cover two hundred meters, period. life, however, is a son of a bachelor, and there’s nothing easily regained that was so easily lost. and so if at two am you are for some reason meandering around the corniche and see what reminds you of the stereotype hollywood undead guy with the beergut coming at you rasping hoarsely, do not freak out. its only me. instead, come up and ask, “xill-e-ilahi, aap thaktay nahin?

to which i will probably answer with the same words the legend had for mohammad yousuf when he ran him out.

@##@&&^!

_____________________

in case anyone was wondering why i named the post what i did, blame a certain extinct pakistani band that went by the name of music math for making a song of the same name which for some reason has entrenched itself in my head and refuses to get lost.

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11 Responses to “teri meethi baatein…”

  1. 1 SK

    lol!lol!! Larke! When are you going to let the Waseem bhai thing go? πŸ™‚
    Ok…frosty:
    1) Tikka is not going to harm you. Its basically carbs that harm you and make you err…plumpish πŸ˜€ … The more meat and the less of bread and carbs, the less your cholesterol and weight. You don’t have to start eating boiled food. Some of the masalas in our food,our body NEEDS!
    2) Exercise: difficult to spell, coz difficult too do. πŸ˜‰ But yep! A combination of both works best…

  2. hahahaha
    i pick the tikka anyday tooo

    waise broccoli covered in blue cheese is DELICIOUS!
    give it a try

    and give “positive thinking” a try

  3. i like to think waseem bhai wasnt the only person to inspire you =D
    you. jogging. HAHAHA
    that’s probably funnier than any post youve ever done.
    hahaha

  4. 4 Mystic

    you people actually believe he has been jogging???

  5. Oh, ya pointy-headed hypocrite! Making fun of us dieting females when you are doing your OWN version of self-torture. You best be keeping up with your jogging cuz you’re gonna need that fitness if/when we next meet and I chase you down and whack you with my chappal. πŸ˜›

  6. 6 skzworldofdreams

    Mystic: There’s always hope. πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜›

  7. 7 mansoor

    lol!! I so know what you mean!!! Had a closet full of those damn jeans. Thank god for my mother she finally gave them away one fine day, and that was the end of that. Personally I believe in the new and loose now. πŸ˜‰

  8. Ah, exercising is the bane … and bring equally ^*&^()*)(_($%# feeling among other human beings.

    I never knew Wasim Bhai was still relevant, esp since he has started dancing with two bit Indian tv starlets and pushing everything diabetes related in poorly conceived tv commercials, but kher. To each his own.

  9. @ sk: i will never let wasim bhai go. when i am 134 years old and have alzheimer’s or whatever it is you have at 134, and i can’t remember my name, if anyone asks me why i don’t get tired i will reply with exactly the same statement. unless of course he comes up with something better within the next 107 years. πŸ™‚

    @ batool: been there, done that. the positive thinking i mean. remember my patented “zen approach to weight loss”? i wouldn’t touch broccoli or blue cheese if my life depended on it let alone the both of them together.

    @ hemlock: we-ell, he was most of them. πŸ˜›

    @ mystic: leave the professional skepticism for the office willya?

    @ owl: pointy headed? me? making fun of females? tauba tauba! baseless allegations!

    @ mansoor: and what are you going to do when you grow out of them

    @ tazeen: c’mon! we’ve been conditioned to be wasim akram fans since 1984. he can’t stop being relevant no matter whom he dances with. unless its our former chairman of the federal board of revenue.

  10. @abbas: get newer ones! the cycle must never stop! our consumerism culture depends on it afterall πŸ˜‰

  11. 11 Mystic

    skepticism? man i’m just being realistic!


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