lost in transformation


for some unexplained reason – though it’s probably because i’m the personification of eternal youth – no one believes i’m 34 if i tell them. which i’m not. but that’s besides the point.  of course no one really believes i’m 12 either but just so that i look dumb by association rather than dumb because one is dumb like the people who visit this blog looking for the late nazia hasan’s phone number or how to keep their shirt tucked in (believe it or not, that’s the most common google search for this blog after “nida aqeel’s paintings”) ; these people tag me to fill out memes or whatever the damned things are called. that i actually bother to respond shows that i celebrate be-nice-to-dumb-animals-week around 52 times a year. also that i don’t have anything bearing semblance to a life. but that is something i’d rather not dwell upon.

bottom line, in case it didn’t register, is that i’ve been tagged. whoopee-de-do.

fortunately, the theme is a familiar one. randomisms. the idea, according to owl, is to do the following

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged.

like anything about the last 116 posts on the blog was not random.

anyhoo, here goes.

  1. i do not believe armed burglars can turn into goats. or anything else for that matter. i bring this up simply because this is a popular belief in nigeria and i have been told that apart from george clooney and arjun rampal, i also look like olusegun obasanjo. and thats not very charitable of the general public.
  2. i used to be the skinny, pimply nerd in high school.
  3. i am the decidedly unskinny, unpimply nerd nine years later.
  4. for the past 27 years i have pulled grass out of the ground every time i’ve sat myself down on a green patch.
  5. for the past 27 years i have sat myself down on a green patch a sum total of 371 times in daylight and 87 times at night.
  6. i quote statistics about my activities (or lack of them) with great conviction.
  7. point number five does not necessarily explain my complexion.
  8. my standard alias for crank calls, practical jokes and police interrogations has always been asif. if it was you who sang athra baras ki kanwari kali thi on the speaker phone for the sani-e-tina sani ki talash program, then maybe i owe you an apology. but, for the record, your voice sucked and asif and his buddies had a hell of a laugh.
  9. after decades of research i have made the discovery that socks are more comfortable inside out than er.. outside in.
  10. i can laugh in 47 languages, cough in eighteen but sneeze in only one.
  11. the first time i opened the batting for my team i made 64 of 23 balls including two sixes and four boundaries. i never scored more than 25 after that at any number in the lineup.
  12. fourteen years ago, i took two wickets in an over bowling slow left arm to a bunch of kids even more myopic and uncoordianted than myself. to date, they remain my total career tally.
  13. apart from my brilliant umpiring, points 11 and 12 remain the highlights of my cricket memories.
  14. i don’t like football because i never understood the offside rule.
  15. i am not half as funny as my writing and i admit that’s not saying much.
  16. i have allowed myself to be talked into a baking showdown next weekend where my chocolate cake will be competing against one of the best ever baked and i have no clue on how to bake anything but red clay bricks.

if anyone thinks i’m tagging sixteen people, they’ve got another think coming. anyone who reads this post is tagged.

you’re exempt if you can give me a doable recipe for chocolate cake.

to hell with it. i’ll just buy one, deshape it and claim its mine.


25 Responses to “lost in transformation”

  1. 0_0 Wow. Revelations upon revelations. Aap aik zamanay main patla hotay thay?

    Point 4 explains your hair however.

    Ghussay karna sehat kay liyay muzar hai. Wazarat-e-Sehat. Hakumat-e-Pakistan.

  2. Owl: ROFLOL! woman, that was a low blow (but funnier than the entire post).

  3. owl baji, you’re not yet ready for roman urdu sentences.

    hemlock: i hate you. very much.

  4. are you saying you feel strong emotions towards me xille? *bats lashes*

  5. that verb is ridiculously appropriate. you do have bat-like eyes (and lashes). they’re blind.

    so is love.

  6. not in public xille… ana istahi…

  7. is that an invitation to do something privately?

  8. do people from karachi NEED invitations?

  9. Ghussa. Ghussay. Same difference. 😉

  10. yes but patla patlay not same difference. 🙂

  11. Waqi? Well at last I didn’t call you a jamun.

  12. i might not mind that, considering that you attribute an altogether different meaning to the term. then again, that’s precisely what might make me mind that.

  13. xille you are such a two timer. *sob*

  14. 14 skzworldofdreams

    YOU?! George Clooney? :/ *in shock…mouth agape*
    YOU?! Skinny? :/ *in shock…mouth WIDE open*
    There is something soooo very random about those 2 statements. 😛
    Hmmm…doable recipe for chocolate cake:
    Ingredients: 1) Car keys, 2) A keychain, preferrably cool and dark 3) A wallet, preferrably with some means of payment in it 😉 4) A Car 5) The ability to fit into the car 6) The ability to drive it without falling asleep on the wheel 🙂
    Method: 1) Sit in the car….squeeze in if you must 2) Swerve the car gently onto the road, ‘steering’ constantly 3) Incase if any bumps or ‘lumps’ on the way, be sure to go around them 4) Upon reaching your destination, go inside the bakery, pick out your double layered chocolate cake, pay the cashier (from YOUR wallet). At this point it is important to note that though it is usually recommended to taste the finished product, please do not do so in this case, as your tasting might result in it BECOMING a finished product. 5) Gently put the cake onto the front car seat and belt it up 6) Again, steer gently 7) Upon reaching home, or the baking contest, leave the cake out to cool for a while
    You now have your double layered chocolate cake. Now please stay away from it, as it is for the guests. Mazeed layers aap ki sehat ke liye muzar hain. 😀 😛 😀 😀

  15. Xill-e-Ilahi,

    Just when I became a regular at your blog, you wander off.

    If you quote statistics, I am sure you will go places. You would be most welcome/sought after/celebrated with Economic planning commission of Pakistan.

  16. Was just wandering on people’s blogs after a longgggggg time and came by your’s too.
    Statistics are quoted with great conviction here in this land of the pure by every beng, almost every being, tum ne kia naya kea?
    Had fun reading your post

  17. You know, I have a recipe for chocolate cake that may be doable for a newbie baker, and you could pull it off with no more than two working braincells. (You seem to have way more than which, btw)

    Email me if there’s still time to win the bake-off 😀

  18. Oh, and forgot to specify- I am Owl’s sister. I really hope you’re not competing against her btw. Otherwise, we may have problems that may take way more than the requisite two braincells can deal with.

  19. 19 Applebom

    Such a performance from wasim bhai’s fan, tsk. bhm.

  20. number nine looks familiar…I came at 7 scored a fifty …and was promoted to no.4 and never scored more than 15 ever hehehe…

    then I became a bowler…

  21. @ shehla: not yet. not quite.

    @ tazeen: i already am. but the post of honorary deputy assistant vice acting junior chief personal assistant does not carry the perks i expected.

    @ marya: i aim to please. cheers.

    @ abez: i know you’re her sister 🙂 and i wouldn’t get into any sort of contest with her after the way i was annihilated at scrabble.

    @ utp: becoming a bowler trumps becoming a specialist third umpire any day of the week. good for you.

    @ applebom: i’m not sure if that was sarcasm or wit or what. i’ll respond if i ever understand.

  22. 22 skzworldofdreams

    So did my choc cake recipe work? 😀

  23. 23 Mahwash

    ” skinny, pimply nerd”.. awww.. thats how I still remember you:)
    oh and add “saracastic” to it too….
    and teasing sweet innocent girls like me to tears….
    oh i can go on and on on that…

    LOL @ point 7

  24. @ shehla: i didn’t bother. sometimes its better to accept defeat and to eat cake. baked by others obviously.

    @ mahwash: can’t help it if you were a crybaby. 😛

  25. 25 Mahwash

    :P…..i was.. wasn’t i….. man! we fought a lot back in those days…

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