‘tum eik “fast” larkay ho.’


that life is a roller coaster is a fact disputed by few people other than the idiots who voluntarily watch horror movies at the theater at midnight with their obviously terrified girlfriends/wives in tow. however, most people who have ever been on a roller coaster or are blessed with a basic understanding of physics or have had the common sense to realise that trimming mustaches does not make our president any less of a hoodlum will admit that everything on a given roller coaster moves at the same speed with the possible exception of the comparative heartbeat rates of normal humans like me and snake-handling, skydiving, street-racing psychos like this person because for pete’s sake, its the roller coaster that’s moving, not us.

but people, especially female ones (assuming that we are willing to concede that females can be considered to be people), are normally not blessed with a great deal of intellect.

and so it is not entirely beyond the pale of credibility that i ran into an old classmate who believes that i have somehow managed to out pace the speed of time and cross into the thirties while leaving her and the rest of the classmates three years in the past. when i pointed out the little loophole in her theory she countered by saying that its not her fault that i look more like i was her dad’s classmate than her own. that this begs the question on how her dad managed to sire her at the ripe old age of three is not something we will dwell upon but it just goes to highlight the point raised in the second paragraph of this post. however, i do have to concede that this is actually a recurring theme and not a one-off incident. in fact, if you were to go by the number of karachiites who express shock and awe at the rapid advancement of my age you would assume that it was only a couple of years ago that i was some main draw in the our version of vaudeville for all the “babyface” roles that are otherwise played by 49 year old midgets with thirteen facelifts and nine nosejobs on their CVs.

this is not the case. admittedly, i haven’t looked like i’m sixteen for several years now. but then i haven’t been sixteen for several years and i probably won’t manage it again because the resemblance to brad pitt notwithstanding, i’m not benjamin button (and wouldn’t want to be either – who wants to love a sixty year old cate blanchett when you’re eighteen?). and so to reassure myself that this is just a karachi-centric phenomenon particular to sentimental people who want to remember me forever as i was in my golden years; i have been running the “iceman as a senior citizen” experiment for the past few months.

the scheme is basically a simple one. someone asks me my age and i say 39. they give me an unbelieving stare and i say “did i say 39? i meant 36”. at this point they normally ask me to produce some id or tell me to go to hell and ask someone else how old i am. a few will linger on and offer bets on how i am not a day over 26 (very complimentary, thank you ahmed, ahmed and incidentally, ahmed) and a couple have asked me for the secret to my youth. the point being, that i do not look older than what i am. quad erat demonstradum. why then, do those who know my age insist that i do?

please elaborate.


i have also been asked by those not in the know why i have been acting like someone stole my cow (a very urdu expression for which i have no history – i would not be depressed if you stole my cow, believe you me) and why i am currently undergoing a renewed qawwali appreciation phase, something apparently that gived credence to the belief of the iceman-is-over-47 segment of society. well frankly, qawwalis are probably the most underrated part of our cultural legacy and the only intangible substance capable of giving me a high.

with the possible exception of the scent of tommy girl coming from the right person.

and that, incidentally, is the answer to the other question.


speaking of cosmetics and other related things, i am planning to dye my hair purple. it give a rather dignified air to gentlemen of my advanced age while keeping them within the loose bounds of what is defined as “with it”.

and if teen literature and ask abby type columns and the esteemed advice of my syrian barber, ammar, are anything to go by, a makeover is just wat i need to turn my life around. so purple hair will get me a new job with higher pay (probably as a bartender) and a bunch of new girlfriends (i think ammar was decribing the standard thirty-something lebanese hag who you run into every time you enter a lift, but hell, you can’t get much better than that when you’re a 53 year old mallu).

baby steps. but i’m moving on with whats left of life. no complaints.


12 Responses to “‘tum eik “fast” larkay ho.’”

  1. 1 skzworldofdreams

    Excuse me? :/ Females not normally blessed with intellect? ;/ Hmm..waise absolutely right. We’re not NORMALLy blessed with it..normal intellect is reserved for guys. Females are EXCEPTIONALLY blessed with intellect. 😉
    Hmm…ever think that maybe the girl who KNOWS your age WANTS you to be older than you are? 😉 Hmm? 😉 And that’s why she keeps insisting you’re older. Jabke..hang around 2, 3 days with her nah..then she WON’T want you to be older. 😀
    Yaar! Seriously! What’s left of life?!! Already!! Buddhe! You have your WHOLE life ahead of you, Inshallah. Dramatics. ;/

  2. 2 Owl

    So I passed/failed your experiment?

    The only thing all those comments prove is that you have aged. As we ALL have. Give your friends/commentors the Captain Obvious award and tell them to shut-it.

    Purple hair is fun, but you should do a purple ‘stache. Zardari would be jealous.

  3. zardari is a typical egotistical chauvinist feudal nutjob. all i have to do to make him jealous is to start dating sarah palin.

    on the other hand, it might be easier to sport dyed foliage on the upper lip.

  4. 4 Saeed

    purple? do they make permanent purple color?coz i colored my hair electric blue, well, got me highlights if u please… (i was 22 then…).its quite a story & i dunno howmany of ur readers hav already read abt it…U haven’t, (dat, & I’m bored at work & tired from d weekend training/partying at beach resort 900 nautical miles away).so here goes…
    I wanted blue highlights, but bcoz I wanted thick streaks, i got d lady to pull more of my hair thru d streaking cap.result?when she was washing off d color, she remarked “hey, this is exactly how my love birds look…” – & as I hadn’t seen it yet (the hair job, not love birds – they’re technolored birds I remembered seeing on tv) I started to freak out a little. So (I’ll spare u the hair color mumbo-jumbo) I had violet (hair absorbed too much color), dark blue, green (yellow bleached hair + less color absorbed), dark green, yellow (just bleached hair), oh, & sum of the electric blue that I’d originally wanted.
    & I left it that way.
    But yeah, blue happens to b the only color that wasn’t permament (back then), so every morning, there’d b blue water in the bath…!
    Oh – I remember seeing this kiwi guy, who’d color his french beard (just an elongated triangle below lowerlip) blue & that looked fine…
    so think twice b4 u committ to the blue moochhain.but y moochain?Is it coz I think u mentioned that u were “balding” in one of ur earlier posts….?!

  5. 5 Saeed

    Hey, wouldn’t a certain person prefer orange instead…?just wondering…

  6. roflol @ saeed’s comment. saeed, everything looks good in orange, except hair 🙂 and i can make that statement because i HAVE had orange streaks =) i looked malnurished.

    i’d say the certain person prefers abbas just the way he is 😉

  7. 7 Saeed

    Well, Xille (if I’m allowed to address u that way?), that settles it, I guess?
    Isn’t this where ppl go “aww…..how cute…”?

  8. everybody now:

    “aww…! how cute!”

  9. hahhaha

    Abbas you come up with best titles for your posts. I still cant get over eh bholro ahay.

    by the way, Allah walon se Allah bachaye was also priceless. I am so gonna steal it.

  10. I wil totaly agree with tyra banks, my salon gal n your barber on one thng – sumtimez a makeovr realy is wht u need.
    Its not so much for ure lovd wuns though – i once came home with an eyebrow piercing n extreme red streaked straight hair n it took riz several hrz til he figurd out ‘i lookd different’ :p –
    point being- makeovers r for whn we look into our mirrors. They tel us tht we stil ‘got it’. Tht we r not as old or as boring as we think we r. And they r also 4 strangerz. Sumtimez. Just dont go around meetin momies-in-law with violet hair n expect them to understand :p

  11. @ saeed: no one calls me xille. it’s xill-e-ilahi or iceman or abbas. 🙂

    @ hemlock: you needn’t hide in a chorus to tell me i’m cute. i know you like to say that anyway. 😛

    @ tazeen: its already stolen. 🙂 from my man, nusrat. remember the qawwali, mast nazron se Allah bachaye?

    @ cyma: fortunately, i don’t have even one mom-in-law, let alone the plural form.

  12. Yeah. I meant to say ‘prospective’ momies-in-law 🙂

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