unday ka funda

17Jun09

it has been said that when reading some work of self-expression, a reader will form a mental image of what he believes the writer must be like. an idea of how the person may be your grandfatherly storyteller on a rocking chair addressing spellbound little kids or a young man in a coffee shop charming a bored waitress. it has been said that as the reader familiarizes himself with the works of the author the picture gets sharper and better defined to the point that on running into the writer on the street, the reader says “oh hello, abdullah” and the writer looks at him searchingly and says “hi..?” and the first guy says “i’m hamid, a fan of yours” and the second guy smiles and says “oh you are, are you? thanks, but you’re probably the only one” and the first gentleman says “oh no that’s just not possible” and these formalities concluded one remarks about how hot the weather is and the other says it’s not the heat that bothers him, it’s the humidity and they shake hands and part ways and go home and tell their wives stories that begin with “hey, guess what happened today…” and at this point the respective wives interrupt and ask if their respective husbands remembered to bring the groceries and very soon two sets of neighbours call the police to report cases of domestic violence and some sleazy journalist with a coffee stain on his shirt submits an article to the editor about two unconnected deaths resulting from domestic squabbles in the city and the editor writes an editorial which no one reads about the rising incidence of wifely revenge in the past decade and, because she’s a supporter of the cause, presents it like it’s a good thing and the world in its callousness ignores the whole event and no one realizes that all that happened could have been avoided if the reader hadn’t developed this spectacularly accurate impression of the writer’s appearance in the first place.

now i’m not what you might describe as the zaheer abbas of the blogworld, churning out voluminous amounts of print just like he churned out the runs and if some indian supporter will ever pun on my name, pronouncing it as ab-bas (translated as “now that’s enough”) it won’t be because of the quantity of my output but because of the quality. however, if you are reading this, the chances are high that you have formed an image of a very personable young man, handsome to a fault, displaying every quality that you might tick yes against if you are the kind of blonde bombshell who maintains a checklist titled “dream guy” – and i’m not going to delude you – you’d be right. be that as it may, i’m not the kind of person who risks death at the hands of his wife (even though i don’t have one) so i move around town in a perpetual state of disguise so people who have read my stuff normally don’t recognize me and express disbelief when told that the little thug standing suspiciously in the corner avoiding eye contact is actually the great and mighty xill-e-ilahi and only nod knowingly and issue ohs and aahs of comprehension when the hostess leans forward and whispers “eccentric one, he is – but it’s an awesome disguise, no?”.

the tragedy is that most of you are products of a time when there is an unhealthy appetite for what you believe are the facts. in olden days when people hadn’t invented laughing gas because they didn’t need it, facts were a mere formality often ignored by the general populace and everyone clapped when peter pan asked them to do so if they believed in fairies. but you just need to have the geo news channel. so despite the disguise and the eccentricity there are those among you who will still want to have the “facts” about what kind of person i am. and since doing what’s best for you isn’t exactly part of my job description i will continue to drop important hints to you on the subject. today’s hint was in the title of this post.

among other great statesman-like qualities that i may or may not have, one of the more important ones is that people do not hesitate to forward me emails containing recipes for omelettes. yes, omelettes. i’m told that among the 11 different ways to make this pakistani delicacy one of them results in a fish shaped product while another results in the formation of a ball shaped monstrosity that masquerades as your breakfast. the creator of these recipes is a lady named hafeez, something which would be odd enough in itself, but is nothing compared to the fact that she uses an urdu verb of her own invention, “karkaraein”, which is a phonetic description of how the eggs should be sounding like at a particular point in the cooking process – “kar kar kar kar kar”. now while it worries me how knowledge of this fact will affect that mental image you have of the iceman – spare a thought for my mental image of this miss hafeez something. if i ever see a woman in a straitjacket and a dupatta walking down constitution avenue in islamabad, i’ll probably go up to her and say “oh hello, hafeez” and she will look at me searchingly and say “hi…?” and i will say “kar kar kar kar kar” and run away.

yes, that’s the kind of guy i am.

________________________

i once forwarded people links to a website created by a saudi arabian death metal band. i can’t find that email and i can’t remember the band’s name. can someone help out?

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7 Responses to “unday ka funda”

  1. Karkaraein” actually is a word. Since 1611.

    And saying “kar kar kar kar kar” and running away makes sense too, you know. Karkarana also means “tez/sarpat daurana“.

    Yeah, I am bored out of my mind.

  2. 2 Mystic

    i think it was this one

    http://www.myspace.com/myththeband

  3. saadat, have i ever told you how much i love your email address? Thanks for the dictionary link! 🙂

    Mystic: since its a saudi band, jazaakAllah!

  4. waise, saadat, i thought it was with ray not rday.

  5. i was brought up on a staple diet of ‘apa zubeda ka dastarkhawan’ and ‘lazeez chinese khanae’, translated urdu bazzar paperbacks which my dad used to grab during our annual visit to desiland. no wonder i v been branded as an apa all my adult life….

  6. cheese omlettes are the bomb. Raw eggs with milk are healthier though 😀


  1. 1 unday ka funda | Interesting Facts for Kids | Facts: Interesting

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