ssss…. as in sucking


one of the most elementary examples of unbigoted racisms as described in the iceman’s guide to anthropology and other theories you shouldn’t believe is that one has a belief in the superiority of his languages over all others. this despite the fact that as per my understanding the sons of adam continued to speak the same language wherever they went only shifting to local dialects when they grew up and got married (which is why the words for mother and father sound similar the world over – maata/pita in sanskrit, madar/pidar in farsi, mother/father in english, mater/pater in latin – but the word for wife is different everywhere) which in turn means that, as usual, women are the ones to blame for everything that went wrong; especially when it comes to communication gaps despite the fact that women are the ones who carry out 80% of all communication (what? you never went on a date?) and 100% of all uncommunicative behaviour (what? never had a woman refuse to tell you why she’s ticked off at you?). but, be that as it may, the theory still holds. which is why sindhis talk condescendingly of other languages while claiming that they have the sweetest refrain in undumb humankind, punjabis claim copyrights to mysticism and tragic romance which would not have been possible in other tongues, the urdu speaking remain convinced that they are unmatched in the richness of tradition and lyrical flow and pathans glare and say something like “laka dum dama kay koray!” and brandish an ak47 in your face so that you humbly acquiesce to the superiority of the pebbles-rolling-in-an-earthen-utensil over your own language, whatever it may be. since i’m sure i’ve lost you by now maybe its time to get back on track and tell you that the idea was to inform you that i continue to act like my mother tongue, urdu, is the language they will speak in paradise – it wouldn’t be paradise otherwise – and have an unshaking belief that in hell the lingua franca will be malayalam.

this attitude had created a sense of superiority and over confidence in my approach to the arabic classes that i’m taking these days – especially since the arabic language doesn’t really contain much that has not been adopted in urdu – and so was totally unprepared for the shock that i was about to get. picture a class of nine people who think they’re adults including four pakis in their late twenties, one filipina, one zimbabwean, one norwegian and two australians. thats enough accents to make life hell for a voice recognition software programmer as it is. then picture that same programmer trying to decipher their accents when they attempt to speak a language that defies human attempts at its pronunciation with phonetics ranging from the sibilant hissing of snakes to the guttural growling of wolves. compound this, if you can, with the pakis trying out their arabic amidst muffled snorts of laughter as the australians insert letters unheard of in any language spoken on earth and mars with their renditions of the first half of the alphabet.

sounds like fun so far, doesn’t it?

you’re not factoring in a sudanese teacher who for all his wealth in the elusive talent of arabic teaching has a classroom demeanour eerily reminiscent of stalin in a meeting at the kremlin of the subcommittee on poppy field taxation who have come back with the unfortunate news that the invasion of afghanistan will not be carried out for a few years to come. to further complicate things, his approach is defined by one word and one word alone – mastery of phonetics (ok thats three words). so his teaching of the alphabet is full of examples of english words with approximating sounds like alif sounds like the aa in “after”. this goes well until he looks with a suggestive glance at the filipina that could’ve been included in a pictorial guide of looks not to give when flirting: for dummies and announces that the sound for suad is a prolonged “s” – and his example is what inspired this post. and his example for the hard “t” a few minutes later was “tongue” which left us in no doubts about maulana tharkee’s bedroom fantasies. and if you have any idea of pakistani reactions to innuendo you can imagine the snorts of mirth that sounded like firecrackers going off on shab-e-baraat in karachi.

about the only thing i have learnt so far is that if i have to pronounce the prolonged guttural “a” of ain with any accuracy i have to retch with sincerity but not quite puke.

learning languages is fun. the iceman is happy.


speaking of language, you might want to give some insight on karachi slang on the abbasbytwo blog.


i am becoming addicted to emirati style qahwa. this is disturbing because i have been an enthusiastic and untiring critic of the practice of drinking beverages when they’re hot. nonetheless, to give them credit, they’ve got the right idea on how to make a kickass pick-me-up which is more than fir for human consumption.

they use pakistani saffron in it.


7 Responses to “ssss…. as in sucking”

  1. the “Qahwa” is pronounced “Gahva”.

    you boys are sick.

    just the way i like it. i quite like the maulana’s bedroom fantasies too…
    but wait. am i allowed to say this in public?

  2. 2 Specs

    HAHAHA! Way to go, Maulana Sudana.

    I can imagine how much fun it would be.

  3. 3 Mystic

    tharkee maulana’s drooling over a filipino? maybe a certain mr. aj knows him :p

    and what ever the point of the post was, i kinda got lost at “(what? never had a woman refuse to tell you why she’s ticked off at you?)” lol! man i never realised until now it was that common! so much for the fb quiz that i kno 100% about women!

  4. 4 ajoy

    and thats why you are most definitely going to HELL….

    (no need to go for classes…you have eternity to learn it… buhahahha)

  5. 5 Saeed

    Lol @ ajoy’s comment. Howcome you didn’t have any Malayalam speaking batchmates? Wouldn’t that have been so much more interesting?!

    So sholdn’t u do all u can, to be a good boy so that you don’t end up with the Malayalam speakers, hereafter (as u say..)?

  6. @ hemmie: dahling, you know how liberal i am…

    @ specs: he’s really into blondes. so if you know any who want to learn arabic, send them my way. 😛

    @ mystic: 😀 roflol at the AJ bit!

    @ ajoy: you know very well that they can’t teach your language in classes. you need the mamooty gene for that. 😛

    @ saeed: my friend, that wou;d’ve been pure torture.

  7. 7 Owl

    When you’re famous, I’m going to tell everyone I threatened to chop you into 12 kg pieces at the Jumeirah Beach Road Krispy Kreme.

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