kadi tay hans bol vay…


got a comment  a few days ago from a kid named khawar on my about page saying, more or less, that i’d be less uncool if i wasn’t an auditor. to add insult to injury he addressed me as abbas bhai. in his defence, i don’t disagree. as a class, auditors are the second most uncool people in the world – outdone only by second cousins. and yes i’m fast approaching my sell-by date so the bhai bit was actually more velvet glove than iron fist. i mean, he might’ve gone the whole nine desi yards and called me “uncle”. and i have realised recently that when i celebrate the rare good shot when playing pool by dancing with my cue stick, i attract more attention than the teenage punks who wear jeans and teeshirts of hues that would make them more welcome at a community meeting of the macaws of the amazon forest than they would’ve been in the blue denim and checked flannels of my youth.

old age, in a nutshell, is catching up fast.

and that’s when you realise that there is actually nothing on that list of things that had to be done that has actually been done yet. i haven’t been on that safari yet. i haven’t camped in the pantanal yet. i haven’t jumped out of a plane or gone scuba diving yet. i haven’t even got over my phobias of heights or deep water yet. i’ve only just started experimenting with hot beverages (which reminds me, the current top five are oolong, jasmine, gahva, cappuccino and doodh patti).  i still can’t do the tango. i still can’t speak persian. if i got into a boxing ring today with an armless geriatric on a wheelchair my money would be on the wheelchair. the only possible notch on the gun butt is the nadal-murray match that i attended – but that was in the city i’m in and an exhibition tournament so i don’t think that counts. what i need is an adrenalin injection. a charge up. or, as a friend put it, a kick in the pants (and – before you ask – i’m not looking for volunteers for the last interpretation).

they tell me that the guys in peshawar university drill into pineapples insert charas and cigarettes and use them as  a group bong of sorts. maybe thats what i need.

only i’m allergic to pineapples, not into charas and in the process of giving up smoking. life. it ain’t easy.


but i do have personality.


which brings us back to the original allegation. the one i agreed with. and i have agreed with it in the past as well. refer here and here and especially here.  see, its a publice service thing. auditors are boring, granted; but we’re boring for a reason. when the first stereo system and typewriter were expelled from the electronic garden of eden they landed on earth and got married. their offspring are known as stereotypes. one of those young stereotypes was a hunchback who wore thick hornrimmed glasses and a tie clip and moved aound in his pinstriped suit with a boxfile under his arm. he mumbled and when he wasn’t mumbling, he stuttered. and because no one really liked him he moved from one corporate cave to another in search for the right time to drop his cv and become something like his brother stereotype – the accountant – in that cave. the poor guy is dead now but his memory lives on in the minds of YOU PEOPLE. and so, because of our great respect for the fact that no one likes having his or her bubble burst and brought out of fantasia into the real world, we comply with the stereotype; replacing our spines with curved rods and keeping the pinstriped suit business afloat in these troubling times….. or not.

in all honesty, i have no idea why most auditors are such lameass people. i just concede that most are. but then, most people in general are lameasses. auditing or not auditing has little to do with it.

i hereby call for the public execution of all people who believe in stereotypes. i have been supported in this call by stingy memon businessmen and nerdy techie types. who else is buying in?


18 Responses to “kadi tay hans bol vay…”

  1. LOL. you have LOADS of personality – oozing with it. when you walk down the road, people stop and point at you “oh look, that’s personality!”
    it’s very exciting to watch.

    but yes. you should jet ski. it’s safe. they buckle you up in a life jacket, and that stops you from drowning. i promise. the trick is to hold on to the life jacket for your dear life should you fall overboard. and jet skiis are actually very hard to turn over.

    who knows. today jet ski, tomorrow, uh… contact lenses?

  2. you want me to ditch the glasses? but vai?

  3. You can still write a book… :). I wouldn’t mind helping you edit it. You have enough material on this website. I’m serious.

  4. For that matter, you’re better than the majority of the south asian writers who’ve been published.

  5. saira that is supersweet and uber-encouraging. i will definitely be taking your help once the novel gets into something remotely resembling shape. 🙂

  6. I’m pitching in! I had an interview with the top boss of this supposedly huge MNC the other day and the retard goes: So, are you the first woman in your family who is going the ‘career route’? just because I had my head covered. I’m all :O Then I said yes. Not too good to be compared to my mum and her Rhodes. 😥

    And hey, auditors are considered lameass because they don’t know how to carry on a conversation. Like you can’t compare brainless based-on-charms-only marketing and finance! We make the money people! WE! You should add a sentence to your ‘about’ page about knocking down auditor stereotypes since 2005.

    @ the book, go for it man!

  7. 7 Saeed

    What?U haven’t jumped out of a plane (in flight) yet? Hemlock didn’t goad u into doing it..? I have – & I did it alone [no one to use the saath jiyeenge, saath … line 😦 ]. Altho I did send an email to family before the jump, so they knew where I was last…).
    & I haven’t done the jet ski either. Coz I’m not supposed to be in deep water. But somehow that didn’t stop me from snorkelling & white water rafting – & yes, I second Hemlock on trusting the lifejacket.
    & I still wear glasses. Tried the contacts just for the snorkelling gig.
    & I’m not an auditor -just a tax consultant – does that make be more boring than supposedly boring auditors..?
    But I still wonder how anybody could put you in the boring auditor bracket. I just read your stuff here & I wouldn’t call you boring.
    Oops – gotta get back to work.

  8. 8 Mystic

    man i thought we discussed this the other day and came to the conclusion tht nothing can be done! we might hate being in that bracket but we do admit its a pretty huge bracket and we also agreed on wht is in the majority of that bracket..so my friend, we stereotyped too so unless u want to commit suicide, this arguement is futile..

    oh and even if we do end up doing the cool things, u kno we’re still going to face the “but u’re an auditor” expression! 😛

  9. @ specs: thanks for the confidence vote!

    @ saeed: hemlock can’t really goad me into anything. 🙂 she only wishes she could.

    @ mystic: *sigh* ain’t that the truth, bro.

  10. Sharaam karoo yaar!!
    Even I have been on a jet ski and wear contacts!:P
    I still do not know how to swim but I can easily manuever a jet ski, a canoe and a kayak… both the wood one as well as the lousy plastic ones and that too in a lake as well as the ocean!!
    and I am supposed to be the “stereotype-maulana” ki housewife niqabi biwi:P

    and yes we are sooo getting old:((( all the babies I played with in my teens are now in their early 20’s.. its another thing that NOONE in our age group feels “old” actually…. kyon cyma!!

    I agree with Saira.. its high time you got published… you will be yet another celebrity who I went to college with 😉 😛


  11. im certain the pashtoons and sikhs will buy in.

    at karachi university they empty out apples and make personal bongs, out of sadness and poverty, ever since sheesha became expensive because of the recession in the US.

    abbas uncle, mere paisay gin kay batao! 😀

  12. 12 khawar

    I am also in, one more vote from the nerds and in that spirit i concede that auditors are just as cool if not more as other ppl like stingy memon businessmen and nerds

  13. @ mahwash: i don’t even want to wear contacts. about the book, you and your stereotype maulana can pray for it to finish 🙂 i need divine intervention.

    @ farooqk: beta, tumharay paisay gin to loonga magar yaad rakho, enron bhi koi mujh jaise banday hee nee karaya tha. are you up for it? 😛

    @ khawar: well you had better be in – you’re the one who tsrated it! 🙂

  14. humari duain tumharae saath hai… waisae dont u know that behind eveyr successful man there is a woman??? maybe thats is the “divine intervention” that you need:P

  15. main nahi khel raha 😦

  16. 16 ailya

    hi, i just landed on your blog and read this post.
    auditors are not boring. the work is. the work is shit. but not auditors. i hate stereotyping.
    i remember some years ago, when i landed a job which was not in finance dept but finance work in business unit, the ‘cool’ marketing people actually were surprised out loud to find that i was ‘cool-er’ than them. hell. kill the people who just assume. peace

  17. 🙂 “the work is shit” 🙂

  18. 18 ailya

    actually worse than shit but who’s comparing

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