thy will be damned


when patrick swayze was still alive, he made a movie in which he died and no one could see his ghost but whoopi goldberg could hear him. now that he’s dead i’m not sure if they make movies in hollywood heaven – and if they do i wonder who plays the hot wife, i mean, demi moore’s still alive – but the point is that someone probably does a whoopi in the real world and communicate with ghosts. what is a ghost after all? spectre? ectoplasm? astral projection? no one knows. but most people are sure they exist. some people claim to have seen them. some communicate with the other side regularly.

i, of course, have the inside story.

but i will not tell it to you. nyaah na na na na.

what i will tell you is that whether or not they exist is irrelevant. there are much more dangerous beings walking the face of the earth. and i’m not even talking about desi matchmaking aunties. no, its the [whisper] ANIMALS! [unwhisper?] non-human animals are not human. there is a very good reason for this. they’re not humans because they choose not to be. they don’t like us. when the world as we know it is eventually destroyed and sam worthington type terminators walk the earth, they will not be very sam worthington types – they will look more like lassie. or garfield.

i can hear cats. they think evil things. where you see a goodlooking young man in his twenties [cue background score: abhi to mein jawan hoon], they see a scratching-post. they jump on you with extracted claws and attempt to hang on by digging those claws into you. and all because you stepped on their cousin’s tail several years ago. talk about holding a grudge. i’ve got nothing against cats, mind you. personally i can take them or leave them alone. if i meet a cat in a park i give it a smile and a civil “good morning”. and by and large they seem to respect the law of great open spaces and do not interfere in your affairs. but in confined places like rooms with walls and ambush points from under sofas and behind flower pots, they acquire a sinister sort of swagger and an evil grin and they go from cute balls of fur to machete wielding maniacs with an urgent desire to see your intestines. this is worse if they keep women as pets. a woman-owning cat is statistically 7.8 times more likely to attempt to get in your lap than one who lives with men. this is just because. it has something to do with estrogen and cranberry juice but i can’t really go into the details on a family friendly blog.

what cats (and their pets) don’t know is that i was not always averse to their company. i used to provide catering services to a grouchy alley cat in karachi i named ash for his silver tail long before aishwarya rai appropriated that name for her own use. he was the devon aiko of nazimabadi cats with mismatched eyes and a bushy silver tail that indicated his mother might have had a fling with a travelling persian a while before he was born. ho hum. i’m not one to cast stones but the brain can’t hide what the eyes can see. it was a healthy relationship based on mutual interests (i needed to dispose of the glass of milk that i was mandated to consume every night and he willingly obliged) and i attribute the sudden disappearance of the irritating pigeons who’d holed up outside my bedroom window to his presence. if fate had not intervened you could say it was the stuff fairytales were made out of and you might actually have sold the rights of the story to disney for a pretty decent sum (USD 999,999.99 for instance). but fate spent too much time in the eighties watching reruns of falcon crest and dallas and on one lazy summer afternoon after retrieving a tennis ball from the ledge above my window i had the misfortune to land on ash’s silver tail.

we have all heard screams. we have all heard yowls. in different ways on different days we’re subjected to the misery of our fellow living beings and they can be disconcerting. (if you’re not sure what misery sounds like, try saying “mae’r ebost hwn ac unrhyw ffeiliau atodedig yn breifat!” in a voice like keifer sutherland’s. its welsh for “this email and any attached files is private!“). sometimes they make you sad, sometimes they make you glad. sometimes they make you cry, sometimes you just get high. this scream/yowl/trumpet of the apocalypse made me jump. on the same cat. again. twice in around two seconds. objectively speaking, i can see his point of view and concede that a little bit of aggravation and complaint might not have been entirely out of place. personal injury is personal injury and i would willingly have apologized and offered to settle the damages out of court if he didn’t press charges but maybe the stress of lazing around all day had gotten to him and something snapped. ash changed from a cute half persian little guy to a fire breathing battle lion from ancient times. that the levi’s looked like they’d been made to order for a short peg-legged pirate after the incident speaks for itself. needless to say, ash did not get any more milk from me and the relations never exactly thawed after that. he died without apologizing for his overreaction and for some reason his family still refuse to see my side of the incident. so we generally accept that maintaining a healthy distance is the best policy that can be followed.

i’m not scared of cats – i have, after all, rescued gorees from evil taxi drivers – and am not scared of anything other than male pattern baldness. i just don’t like them. and in any case, as the emirati proverb goes, ash sharda noos al marjala.


killer fact: house cats have been known to kill men. just saying.


just get stuffed cats, yaar. save the taxidermy industry.


3 Responses to “thy will be damned”

  1. 1 Owl

    Scaredy cat. 😉

  2. nahin, nahin. just cautious. 😛

  3. 3 Owl

    Nope. Scared. Iz ok. Some girls like scaredy guys. Granted, I’ve never met one myself. But I’ve heard stories. There’s hope for you yet.

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