ee bholro aahay.

15Feb09

ulm, baden-wurtemberg, germany, may be the kind of backwater you never visited or wanted to, but people with i.p. addresses originating from there have wandered on to this blog so woe betide thee who disrespecteth the place.

even though it sounds like something my industrial sized stomach rumbles when the occupation rate dips below normal.

anyways, whether or not you have figured it out yet is irrelevant but the wise readers back in ulm (yes of baden-wurtemberg, germany) have realised that those who meet me and those who read my stuff are normally two distinct subsets of the human race and it is only very rarely that the two worlds are allowed to collide and unleash the madness. which is a roundabout way of saying that you probably haven’t met me in a professional capacity.

of course, the use of the term “professional” is a double edged sword. while it pumps one up and clouds the horizons of self doubt enough for a guy to believe that the mundanities of his life actually have meaning and that the draft from the airconditioning is not really the slipstream of the world passing him by; one must also wake up to the realisation that the fools one works with, or, to be more precise, the fools one works for (because it goes without saying that the said fools do not indulge in the colossal waste of time that we call “work”), are probably also blissfully under the same delusion that they are in fact professional in some sense of the word. but i digress.

what i was trying to say was that if you ever met me in aΒ  professional capacity and asked me to explain some obscure aspect of generally accepted accounting principles or international financial reporting standards, i would – assuming i could not convince you to ask someone else – probably employ what is known among elite mensa members as the “poultry farm model”. this basically involves a hen, an egg and a cage. these three things are then used to simplify the complexities of the never ending treatises known among the experts (and the idiots) in my field as the international accounting standard on employee benefits or or the amendment to ias 1 puttable financial instruments and obligations arising on liquidation – though, for the record, a hen is actually a biological asset as defined in ias 41.

the reason for this, of course, is that when you simplify something to an absolute extreme, the nitwit asking the questions cannot ask further questions without exposing himself or herself as a nitwit. and among auditors and accountants even people with intelligence quotients similar to the mean winter temperature of the south pole (i.e. negative) know that if you are exposed as a nitwit you are finished. so they abstain and leave you to relative peace which is actually just a lower degree of misery. for example, someone starts asking questions about the indicators of impairment of a class of assets and you say, “ya akhi, have you ever heard of a chicken with alzheimer’s?”

you create a successful poison for your enemy and you forget about creating an antidotes.

so when someone oversimplifies their argument or throws in ridiculously inappropriate analogies you’re often left gasping for breath much in the same way that you leave them when you’re explaining the finer points of accounting jargonese. so you’re talking to this guy about gender equality and he is vehemently disagreeing, claiming that such beliefs are not only the type that cast doubts over my masculinity – offering me some of that jinjeer herb which you get at every lebanese place and is supposed to be the absolute cure for what the hakeems in karachi call mardana kamzori and advertise cures for on virtually every wall in the city – but are also extremely idiotic. to prove his point he asked me a question which left me stumped by virtue of its absolute irrelevance – would you let a monkey drive your bus?

now i am not a posessor of buses, or of monkeys for that matter, and so this is a contingency that i am not exactly prepared for – but i do like to conform to accepted societal norms. as such, i probably wouldn’t let a monkey drive my bus if i had one. unless if it had cruise control. but how that is relevant or possibly linkable to the issue at hand is something that boggles the mind of even the author of the bemaina. but all joking aside, i found that offensive. i mean, i can’t speak for other people, but at least 50% of my parents are female.Β  and i’m a staunch unbeliever in darwin regardless of gender so the association of women with monkeys left me baffled.

i’m sure at least some of the readers of this blog (other than the guy who logs on from ulan bator in mongolia) have somewhat similar perceptions on the place of women in society. i mean i know the highly educated corporate executive making in excess of USD 200k a year who describes his chartered accountant wife (love marriage, no less) as the woman who makes his chapattis. there is also the dude who explained that among the many faults of his ex-wife was her refusal to respect him (she tried to walk beside him instead of behind him where her rightful place was). so tell me, what exactly is the story with this macho crap? what is it that your dad does that your mom can’t?Β  educate me.

__________________________________

it was at this point in writing this post that i was interrupted by a phonecall from a friend trying to figure out how to download realplayer which consumed eighteen minutes of my time and totally ruined my train of thought.

girls are idiots, capable only of making chappatis.

_________________________________

having said that, there has to be more than just chappatis to a species that can hunt for hours in a crowded shopping mall for that top while you just flop down on the bench and try to recapture your breath. gentlemen, trust me, when it comes to shopping, they are not the weaker sex.

_________________________________

the title of this post encapsulates my entire vocabulary of the sindhi language and its grammar and delicate nuances. just thought you’d like to know.

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20 Responses to “ee bholro aahay.”

  1. lmao @ ‘would you let a monkey drive your bus?’
    arabs are insanely funny, and they dont even know it!

  2. this monkey will collide the bus she’s driving with his, no problem.

  3. 3 cymarizwankhan

    I dont know which one of the things I shud begin commenting but first and foremost this chappatti making monkey would like to make a correction to your sindhi diction – it is pronounced ‘Hee’ rather than “ee” :p

    That said, I have to admit I have only once attempted to make chappattis and that is that – end of story. The only chappati I ever made was so insanely similar to the map of Egypt my younger brother actually considered using it for a social studies project.

    Thankfully before I got married, an older married friend told me never to commit the cardinal sin – make chappati for your husband. Cuz if you do, you will forever remain the woman who cooks chappaties regardless of the fact that you often bring home a chunkier paycheck. I dont know whether it was my disdain for making chapatis naturally or the fact that I simply dont KNOW how to make one that got us finding newer ways to eat chappatis. Turns out there are these people called maids which you can hire to make awesome chapatis in case you think you are not the buying from outside types, which is incredibly sad on its own.

    As for monkeys driving buses, I thought that was how they did it in pakiland anyway…. πŸ˜›

    I still cannot imagine someone not knowing how to download real player. Really. I tried. Couldnt.

  4. @ farooqk: that’s the tragedy. πŸ™‚

    @ meow: as long as it’s not my bus, meow. i’m not covered by insurance…

    @ bhutto: not when i’m saying it πŸ™‚ and don’t even try to get me to say that word you have for frog.. dhedhar or something.

  5. My deciphering faculties almost rebooted trying to make head or tail of the monkey driving-the-bus analogy. So much so, I even tried to fall back on my fusha, which is all of 1 percent of my younger one’s best friend’s fusha – and the best friend is only half Arab, to perhaps break the code. I got nowhere. Hal tuwafiq anna ilqirad yaqood baasik? I think.

    I can safely state after having worked this sentence out that it isn’t a language thing. Quite likely not an Arab thing – certainly not a Lebanese thing. Most of the working Lebanese I know are women – a fact I am perfectly happy with. Sometimes, I do wonder what the men do, but not very often. Perhaps they drive buses. Somewhere. Who cares?

    How about we invite this ‘gentleman’ over once again to an undisclosed location – for his own safety of course, but there is also the fact that I don’t want to be an accessory to a lynching – by the way would he mind it too much if we called him gentleman? – and try and figure out exactly how that analogy is pertinent? May be he had forgotten to take his medication that morning, and we are all confused here for nothing.

    Hazrat, I presume, depsite my explicit knowledge that you are not married, that you are not married. Or you would have known that a man who goes around stating that his wife is the woman who makes his chappaties, and I believe the plural must include an ‘e’, is most certainly the one who makes chappaties himself – his wife probably does wield the ‘bailna’ every now and then, but it quite likely has everything to do with the feedback on the quality of those chappaties, and nothing to do with making of chappaties.

    Perhaps, now you ought to upload a picture of chappaties for the benefit of your Ulmian fans.

  6. @ cymarizwankhan: whoever told you not to make chappati(e)s for your husband saved your life. you are forever in his/her debt. infact you owe him/her your life! alas, i was not lucky enough to owe to my life to another. oh! the tragedy of it!

  7. 7 skzworldofdreams

    Hmmm…bet the monkey and bus guy is related to my ex. :/ Grrrr!!!! ;/

    *SK gives Xil a standing applause!!!*

    *Hits him on his head for the girls are idiots line in between…..and then applauds for teh rest of his post again!!!* πŸ˜€
    Thank. You. From women in general. Hmmm…Dad wasn’t, I guess. πŸ™‚

  8. At the end of reading one of your posts I am always eminently impressed —- that I managed to figure out any of it. Bravo. Me.

    This, btw, strikes me as a sour grapes Valentine’s post. 0_o Don’t worry janab, you’ll find your chappati making monkey one day. Inshallah.

  9. @Meow: Yes girl trust me I know! πŸ˜› Every woman should spread the word!

    @Knicq: “you would have known that a man who goes around stating that his wife is the woman who makes his chappaties…is most certainly the one who makes chappaties himself – his wife probably does wield the β€˜bailna’ every now and then…” lol that really was hilarious.

    @Xill: Even I dont know how to say that one πŸ˜›

  10. baden-wurtemberg, germany is not a backwater, if you are getting visitors from there, it must be a very happening place. After all, anyone who shares company with cool folks like us (and farooqk would agree) cannot be backwater-y at all.

  11. @ knicq: when no reason for something can be found it is sufficient to conclude a person is the way he is because he’s jordanian. chappatis would be chappaties if the singular was a chappaty (which it very well could be but websters’ has it as chapati with a single p, probably because the idiots who work for them let monkeys drive their buses) but its my chappati and i spell it with an i and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. except maybe eat it.

    @ bibi: you may be good at scrabble but you need to learn the word “ovation” like yesterday. there is no such thing in polite company as “standing applause”.

    @ cyma: (in my best sohail asghar imitation) wah saeein wah! baba ab bhutto bhi sindhi nahin bolaeingay to kaun kya adda chaudhry bolaingay?

    @ tazeen: i fully concur with your high opinion of my cool-factor. like they say, great minds think alike.

  12. @ owlie: thanks for the prayers but errr.. this wasn’t sour grapes. my (desired) valentine cooks everything i hate very well and everything i like not at all. and if i called her a monkey and offered her the opportunity to drive my bus, she’d drive it right over me.

  13. 13 skzworldofdreams

    :/ Oh yeah!!! lol! It’s standing ovation. Hmph! Well I wrote this at 12 at night…thinking I should THANK you for such an awesome post. Hmph!! Focus on what I did wrong here instead of appreicating the good. :/ FINE!! 😦

  14. ro lo ro lo. it’s good to get it all out. πŸ˜›

  15. 15 knicq

    Compelling point that about the ‘e’, or the lack of it in ‘Chappatis’. Perhaps, now you should figure out if you want yours with a single or a double ‘t’ then. You seem to be rather undecided about that. Unless of course there is a need to differentiate the single t chapatis from the double t chappattis.

  16. Well then, be careful what you wish for. Aim for something less likely to run you over after filling you up with foods you dislike.

  17. 17 skzworldofdreams

    πŸ˜› I don’t have time to ro. So there! πŸ˜› πŸ™‚

  18. Xill: I have no idea what I just read πŸ˜› accept for the ‘saeen’ part (and by part I mean word)

  19. @cyma,

    how can you not get

    ee bholro aahay?

    anyone who was born before 1990 should get this, even if you have not studied Sindhi in school like me, you must have seen the Sindhi tv programs on PTV as a kid.

  20. Lolz….
    funny post…
    by the way it should be… “Hee Bholro Aahay” not EE. =)
    ciao


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